n~5ive

Hook or crook, I still have to let you go. So much things, especially the 'lagho' part happened on you. But how come you're walking too fast? But, it's okey. Good bye. I have to make sure that I done sketching down my new year resolutions by 2359 hours tonight. Good bye 2015. You have been so great. I made so many personal memories. Aaaah..  you just so great. Thank you 2015.

Rasa...... Sedih ade. Syahdu ade.  Nak nangis ade. *Anyway, I fell sick, a super sick one, macam, nak kasi 'kenangan' untuk penutup 2015 pun ade. 'Cos it's so unexpected one... Kalau cerite dengan orang, mesti kene marah. Sebab, sebab....hahaha...I'm not sure myself. Pening arr.. I feel that my life is getting funny. Berterabur plan. Macam, fate is playing on me. Satu perangai, jenis susah nak terima perubahan. Dah plan itu, itulah rancangannya. Kalau bertukar, memang berkecamuk dalam hati ni. Masalahnya, macam it's too good to be true pun ade. Selalu cakap besar je, tahu je nothing like 'these' would happen. *sigh... Bak kate budak-budak zaman ni, serious doh. Adoi....... Sakit perut dibuatnye. Sakit perut camni pulak, macam time amik result PMR. Satu situasi, yang first time I took serious in life. Belum nak muntah-muntah je lagi. Hmmmmmm...... Masa ni, ape la.....cepat sangat. Sedih tau... Sedih... :'(

Hey, no one talks about the past. Those days when naive was mistaken as honest. L.O.L Move on, folk, move on. Too much had happened since, just too much.

...at all. 2015 is almost ended, in less than two weeks. 2014 had been the year where I ignored almost everything about myself, instead I focused on something new and yeah, it was a successful one. Alhamdulillah. 2015. What can I say. I taste the chillin' life, again, after so long. Woohoooo...again, Alhamdulillah. 2016 and future, I will be back on the most 'rightous' path, again, again, too, after so long And this blog, has been my written 'witness' about part of my life as an immature one, but year after year, one can see how the frequency of the entries getting lesser . Yeah, I wrote stuff, according to the 'motto' above; "The pessimist, emotional, grief, blah blah blah.. girl". Huhuhu. Not that I didn't try to write a positive stuff, but......it will become misleading, don't you think? So, I'm considering about changing this blog's motto. Hmm... What about... "The full with love, a dreamer, but still a trying-hard...

But what are you? Tell me..... What? Why somewhere in the most stranded region of  the heart feels that way? I miss you. That's that. So, Can you... I need you, I think. I need you, the deepest in me, says so. I don't have any lonely issue, as it might seems so, but I need you. I need you. Ask me, why? I miss the reality hits that you always reminded me. The challenges you always challenged me, Those days when you and me were head to head, even in the sense of minds....and feels. Come back home, will you... I don't demand for permanent-ly, Enough with just showing up, Even though, permanent-ly is better, Because I know, I am missing you. And if only you would know this is for you..... Because you will make me become better, And I can make you become better. I know... ........and I feel like I am weaker... ....day by day.... ...and it wasn't like this... ...when you were 'here'...

Childish. Paranoid. Anything. I'm just too tired for any shits. *sigh

Have I lost that ability? To hide the truth? Especially, my expressions? That feelings, they are so familiar. And what would they lead me to? A disaster in whoever's perspective, but it's me who run this life, in this very body. What do I want? Hey, I'll enter the next half phase towards becoming a 'silver jubilee'. And just what else I haven't done yet? It's just that, the damage will only affect to the people around me. To me? Not as much as theirs. Good Bye,

Hmm.......

...I will turn 26. And I still haven't sleep. Something is  bothering my mind. But I can't identify, what it is. I wish I'm in my dreamland already, oh eyes...can you please.... Hmmm.... I will turn 26. I have achieved 75% of my resolutions for this year, was even given a bonus, where I decided to postpone it till next year, so I won't be seen as a greedy one. I have to stop being greedy. Yeah opportunity is an oportunity, but I still have to consider myself as a....human? Yeah. A human. Can I just ranting? Last weekdays, were the most fastest week ever, according to my feeling-lah. I literally awoke, cleaned, got ready, went to work, came back from work, cleaned again, ate dinners, scrolled the FB timeline, slept and repeat the whole things for 5 days straight. Before I realized it's already Friday. But oh yeah, I did spent some of my precious moments with some people. Hmm... Hmmm.......... I'm cool... I think.. Hmm.... To think about my 2016, unless ...

Not Sadness. Lousy right? But until one own my brain, my heart, my eyes, my ears, my skin, my pasts, myself, then one will nod out of agreement. But do one ever want to own any of them? What in the world, right. *laugh lousily No one can ever own me. No.  I'm sorry. But.. You.. Where are you? Why is it so hard to get you, darling? I can wait, you know, but once in a while, I can't ignore the curiosity in me that always find its way to show itself up. I want you. Until today, for almost three decades, I try to search for you. I even tried to find you at many kilometres away from my current staying. Yeah you do sometime showed up, but you never stay for long.  Why? Tell me why? Is it me?  That I never deserve to get you? Is it? But what did/do I do? I was always been nice to everything, no matter how hard it is. I can even count with my bare fingers, on how many times I did bad stuff. Even so, they were all done as my attemp...

How can I not become a stronger and tougher and harder one after all these things happened since the past, at least, three days ago? When everyone was told, it will not be done, after considered some national-safety plus technical issues, happened a few weeks back, the week when I had finally finalized all the plans. Life as a blue-collared person, has allow me to forget the frustration that I first felt the moment it was agreed to not proceed the plan, with the companion. The feeling was familiar, that I even suddenly said out loud that humans around the hearable-range heard me saying, "Siapa pernah rasa putus cinta?!" Before I realized some respondents on the left side of my working station raised their hands, out of, agreement? Yeah... I just couldn't believe that, whatever I had planned is not going to happen. It was worth a 3-months planning, it's all in my mind, then suddenly, it wouldn't happen? The whole morning in the office was just witnessi...

......and if you need me, You kiss me, And tell mr how you feel. And if you want me, You show me, That your love is for real. And if you love me.... You hold me in your arms where I belong, So while I'm feeling strong. I sing you one last song... One last song, I'll sing for you, Like I always do. This time is for real, I never come to you like this, Expecting you to return my kiss... No no no......... One Last Song A1

These very two days, I've been spending my time, listening to the good old time musics, especially by my all time favourite since I was 12, A1. They have this one song, called "Caught In The Middle". After a very long time, today, I have to deal with the situation again. Right now, I need to decide on something. The problem is, I have to choose either. It's all just today, that I finally thinking this way, where, the original plan was to grab both stuff. But, my mind was brought back to those days, where I mindlessly do stuff, without thinking the consequences to my own body, my mind, and my life. I was too greedy back then, where I eventually lost, most of the things. Eventhough I am still alive today, I have to deal with the regrets until now. Now back to the point, where I am caught in the middle of choosing. Last time, whatever I wanted to do, it was solely my decision, whereas, these days, I consider about other's opinion. I think I have changed for better...

At this very moment, I should have supposed to be busy-ing up my mind with what will I go through on early September. But here, with my finally-come-back-to-mommy Inspiron, while hearing to 4 I the Morning, Forgive Me, So Soon and Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely on the YouTube playlist, with the most laziest lazy pant on earth pairing with decent cotton white t-shirt, thinking, of nothing. ........... I don't know..... I have so many bad news and good news coming in one time. Even the feeling can't identified its own condition. The future is finally show some light; this is a good news, the current is still under expectation; this is too a good news, my Love, Min-Jeong the cat found her new guardian; this is a bad news, my second gateway to outside Malaysia have to be cancelled for some safety reasons; bad as in I've spent too much time planning the 'storyline'(including the video I'm gonna upload as if I'll be jumping to go there again and upl...

Appreciate. There's not always a chance to see me smiling, sincerely, especially to you. Who are you? You wouldn't know who you are,b'cos you're just one of those who practice lil' shame in life, the creatures that once dare to go against me, even though, I didn't even need you, in the naked eyes. But what to do, I have GOD's orders to follow and to obey. How hard this is, to ignore some human errors that I tend to do, as I am only a human. How irony life can be, when story is encountering a twist in the plot. No intention to be attentive to the arrogance nature, but do you remember? All the words, some were harsh, some were fakingly nice, etc. For all I saw was to end the life. But, now, rather than to open up every pieces of shattered memories, tell me how to forget? When all you do right now, is keep replaying the same role? Especially when the situation is not fit to you? Making me thinking, as if, you are pretending all the way until today? Your acti...

"Orang nak balik raya ni, nak bakar lemang." "Saya half day hari ni, malam ni lah nak balik kampung." ... Those are few remarks that I heard this morning from the we-seen-each-other-almost-everyday people of my life. And, apparently, somewhere near the organ at the chest area had been touched, by those, which led to, a salty fluid secretion at the tear ducts. It was, weird, because, whenever that fluid came out, I must always have a distinct reason, unlike this morning. Raya. Is almost here, again. Gonna be my 26th raya. I experiened the most jollyful raya, and also the darkest raya ever. But, since the last two raya, the feeling, was somewhat, starting to 'fall apart'. Not to say it in a bad way, but, for a person who always prioritize happiness over anything else, I just could not lie to myself that, raya without arwah(the late) Opah( rase kehilangan ), is so 'wrong'. I miss her. And the fact that I haven't seen her for almost two yea...

Well well well, so I have not more than 2 hours before my 'ashkar' ID expire. Let me embrace this last moment. I love the system. It fits me very well, or in other word, it is something that I need. I was literally a jerk, stupid, knew nothing, no necessary life experience,  I have to say, owned too little what peeps called as common sense. Really. I may knew things theoretically, but, I lose to the world when it came to practical. There were even times when I thought that my motor skills were "impaired". Heh. I grew, 'here'. Seriously. I just love the me, during those days. I learned so much things 'here'. I just want to thank god, for destined me to be 'here'. And I believe, that is all for something for my today; a preparation. Sometimes, I can't imagine, what will I become today, if hadn't go through all those training and yeah, training. I never tried things, but 'here' I had to. Like, I had no choice but to try, and I...

So, I just came back from visiting my mom's lil' bro's bro-in-law, as he just done his operation after an accident. He's in unconscious state. Too many machines and wires as his life support. Mom and me met the wife, and all I said was, "Sabar ye, aunty." I never knew this people before, as the family hierarchy shows that we are no close at all. It's been a kinda-tough-but-worth-it months, plus, I feel like I have aged rapidly since especially three months back. Seriously. But as I saying, since it's worth it, I have nothing much to complain. Actually, hmm, I really really have nothing to write about. Life is just too normal. I'm giving myself at least until end of this year, before 'ridinga' a roller coaster again, insyaALLAH. Hmm.. Okey, let's write something about, how fragile and unsure life is. Hmm.. Yeah, that's that. Oh, anyway I just finally finished read this very one novel, the author is Javier Cercas and the t...

Some people are just not worth to be kept in my life anymore. Well, it's not like I am that hot to say these, but the struggles I have gone through, especially some years ago, have really taught me about myself. It's as if I myself just knew and met that side of me. When I thought I am the most coolest person in dealing problems, well I wasn't. To think again, it's fine. *oh my, I feel like crying. For all my life, I just never want to do against the odds. Whatever people have said, written, whatever, about how reality works and hurts, I have spent almost my whole life to figure out and make sure that, life is really like in Ed, Edd and Eddy, or the Dexter's Laboratory, or cartoon. Still as I watched them again at this age, they were actually, hmm, still hard. Hahaha. Nevermind. This heart has already managed to identify, who's who. Seriously, I maybe faking up my smile after this to some, but for every lies and backstabs, it may be forgiven, but I learned....

Aaah... So Big Bang is making their comeback, seeing them is such an eye candy. Heh. Their new releases, hmm..ear candy? Ahaha, can't think a better term, heh. I just love Big Bang, shall we? And April 2015 has gone, coming back no more. But what happened may do come back, maybe to tease me, *bad April, mommy gonna smack u. After so long, I think I can describe it as a freaking stressful one. I completely lose my mind on 28/04/2015. I experienced a blackout. I felt so numb. So, what I did us, before I reached the house, I texted my mom, to spend the rest of the night with me, physically. I really need someone to hug me, and I thought that, only my mom can do that. So, there she was, lying next to me. I hugged her until new day started again, and I just lived until the end of the month, when I first thought, I might have dead by then. You see, I never felt stressful, seriously in life. Ouh, maybe that's just sound too exaggerate, but, ok let's just say it this way, I ra...

I've been focusing so much on not-me. It's been a year since I decided to do a lil' difference in life, where of course, happen with the help of HIS. If I ask myself, am I happy, I think, for now, I have no answer. Rather, sometimes I just start to wonder, when will these end? Like I said, I decided to change. Meaning, it's not the real plan. Now that I took a step, either backward or forward, it still a step. Now that I did it, I just can't stop. Sometimes, when loneliness creeping inside, I can hear an unhearable growl, wanting me to disappear, away from civilisation. I just want to be alone. I didn't realize this feeling until not so long time ago. I don't want to cling to anyone. I don't like anyone to enter my space. No one is ever my business, and vice versa. But I can't be like one so much, so that's why, the circles that I join, are the circles that are confirmed about themselves. Not craps. *sigh I'm not complaining, but...

"I am still 25". Convincing myself that sentence everyday, that I am still a 25 years old person is pretty exhausting, but the fact that I have wasted all the moments when I was 22, 23 and 24. That's why, I have no choice, plus, I only want to make sure that I am happy. How desperate I am? I admit, I'm desperate, Happiness was almost extinct from my life dictionary. Almost. But I revived it, little by little. I know, I still have a long way to go. Mine is different, so do others. But paranoid comes whenever my mind is not occupied with productive matters. And I'm getting sick of it, that almost I developed chronophobia. But my body needs rest, I can't ignore. I'm afraid. I'm missing some people. I want to go to a place called, home.

On my mom's birthday 2 weeks ago, I promised to her that I will lower down my temper a lil'. But I can't see or feel any good progression. I especially lose my temper whenever I am asked to 'hold' responsibilities, as simple as doing house chores. Next thing that will drive me nuts, is when I am corrected on anything, Especially from anyone that I have only a lil' respect on(I'm sorry, because my respect on anyoneelse is too 'expensive'). I maybe no longer throw tantrum, but the heartbeats, the breathing, and the heat of my body, I really can't ignore them. I don't really get mad in a way like a dumb adolescence does, but just I hate to go through it. Because I knew that showing off the anger won't make me feel better, but that's that, holding them is so tiring. But what I try to practice on these beautiful years, I sometimes will let the one who responsible for the madness knows about the emotional situation results from her/his ...

Hahaha....sudddenly. So I'm kinda considering to change this blog's theme. After all, I'm into another level already. And, yes, I'm listening to I Gotta Go My Own Way right now in YouTube and, ahahahaha. Oh my... I think I was a happy bom bom because I had them. My mind was full with all these teen dramas, songs and such stuffs. Try to listen one, they are awesome, and almost a decade since they were released. Very straightforward and like literally~ly done. I have every lyrics in mind, I don't lie. Hahaha. One of my most favourite. :D Talking about how I have them planted in my brain, I think I really took their lyrics too seriously that I even practiced them in my real life, without I realized. Hahaha, funny. The above song, I sang it during thr Minggu Suai Kenal(MSK) 2007 as the ice-breaker. I dragged my schoolmate-turn-squad, Ojan, and jumped as how we supposed to in front of that new crowds, the ROTU AirForce, UiTM Kota Samarahan. I tell ...

I still can't handle separation very well, and to night, is the littlest brother farewell. He may just like 5 minutes distance from home, but the fact that he will spent time more not in home, I hate it. I hate it because I hate it! The ugliest part is, he will change. Into someoneelse, it doesn't matter to better or what, but he willchange. Eight years ago, I left him for Sarawak, and I suffered a severe depression. He was 6. I still remember of the last goodbye waves at the boarding gate. It was as crazy as hell. And after three years I was back home, but I changed. But now that I am shifted back to the original self, now he has to go? Since last few weeks, I kept asking when we'll he go? And I always felt relieved as the moments were always delayed until today. Oh my god......... Eventhough me, myself make this home of ours almost as if it is the second home, as the first is the workplace, considering the time spent, I still don't want you to go, oh little ...

.....especially about you. To say you are completely out of the league, I have to say, it's not true. Somewhere inside the organ systems, you are in there. But what I'm so sure, the accepted-the-reality side of me hates this so much. I really freaking need to move on.....from you, as you are the only one 'thing', that stays without a concrete reason. I have promised myself, that you'll be removed completely by the first half of this year. Forgetting you means, there'll be not a single prayer I'll do for you, where I slowly did over 2 months ago. Some girlfriends asked me to pray if you are meant for me, asked HIM to make us closer, but nay.... We are not living with cameras in front of us, while reading the line of scripts, scripted by the scripter, cliché, a predictable end. A better way to cure the pain of last time whenever the image of you stuck in my head is to start training myself to become feelingless. All I just need a little more time of trai...

....because, no matter how much time has passed until today, no matter how much obstacles we have gone through together until now, there's this one matter that still remain in me. I talk too long and draggy. But if I can complain, I first want to ask, how frequent do I even talk? It's only once in a while, right? Because if not, why were you once mentioned that we didn't talk? Why? I cannot feel anything but tears keep flowing down my cheek since then. Am I sad? But why? Why it keeps coming? And there is familiarity about this. Why are you still, too, doing this to me? I never asked to be like this. But, I still do as you asked, so I hope you are happy, and don't worry, maybe these tears are just salty-water secreted out of happiness. Yeah, maybe it is something positive! I am positive human after all. Yeah.. But why I feel this familiarity? I feel like this feeling is so close to my heart. Something about, last time... Why these tears are still not stop...

People of my past, why do you guys have to go? Why can't we talk like the old times? Why that little rough road, soon after we past it, everything got changed along? Why life is like that? I want to talk to you guys again.... I miss you guys... Maybe you guys had seen that dark and ugly side of me, so you guys chose to back off. But it's been a long time ago.... Can't you guys even consider a little? I'm sorry if I was so wrong last time, but I'm okey now. I promise. Even though a thought of forgetting you guys is always been my core of mindset, for leaving me during my most vulnerable, weak, full of pretense, but please believe me, I had no choice back then. I just want to talk with you guys. Talking about our current life. Like that dark moments were never even happened. Because, still you had seen the best of me, too. And I'm back now. I miss you guys. For some of you, I do understand, there is no way a two ways communication would ever ...

It's the 8th or 9th since I first started the habit. The travelling moments that consume almost the whole late morning dawn, rather than having my head bend down looking at a lighted-screen for a long time, staring at words and thoughts who's published without getting any 'censorship' check by those 'Friends' in Facebook, a real book is what I prioritize. It's not that I'm detached completely from that so-called social medias world, where there are much more than Facebook; WhatsApp, WeChat, and these medias where they require too much communications, mostly the unnecessary one, where for me, I thought that I am not yet belong into that world. Just NOT YET for now. Twitter is cool, I have an account where I only follow some influenced-peeps, and yeah, no real known-friends in there. The place I'll gain inspirations and motivations. Maybe I can finally say that, I have changed. After all, today marks a second months since my 25th anniversary living...

I supposed to have entered my dreamland right now, but, I don't want to suppress my feeling-is-kinda-down-right-now. As I said, this place is where I can pour out almost every of my emotional-issues. Writing. Typing. Structured. This week, the issue is 'cats'. Basically, Min-Jeong(the mother of all cats inside the house) is now a grandmother of seven, That's not include her own where there are four of them. High rise(yea, we moved), ten peeps under one roof, and twelve cats? *gulp Mama couldn't handle most of their nature issues anymore, after all, most of us got out as early as right after Subuh Athan, and be home, it's already dark. Pity Mama, she has to take care of these twelve. So, the 3rd sister, Mimie, uploaded these twelve creatures in a Facebook Group, something like 'Cat Adoption' group, I'm not sure, last night. Apart from Mimie's effort, I too, always saw Mama does her Tahajud inside my room, wanting the best for the cats(I think...

Currently, her closest friend is this blog, why she calls it a closest friend, simply because only this blog where she can pour every details in her mind in the most structured and mindful way. And oh yeah, she would really love to wish everyone a very Happy New Year. As she already learnt that being like everyone else is not a crime at all, therefore, before she types down her so-called resolutions, let's just go backward a little. Her true life was actually started around when she turned 21. That was not long after she graduated her first Diploma. Degree story line was rough where eventually she decided to make it a full stop, for a while. Sorting off all kind of emotional factors, leaving whatever sane mind could digest only, the reason was to work on cash. Thinking about debts she needs to 'spend' later on, making her shaky decision turned into a firm one. Have to admit, it wasn't a sweet-in-the-naked-eyes journey at all. Not at all. It took more than the time fr...

It's a new year again.