Do you know what I really want in life?

Not Sadness. Lousy right? But until one own my brain, my heart, my eyes, my ears, my skin, my pasts, myself, then one will nod out of agreement. But do one ever want to own any of them? What in the world, right. *laugh lousily

No one can ever own me. No. 

I'm sorry.

But..

You..

Where are you?

Why is it so hard to get you, darling? I can wait, you know, but once in a while, I can't ignore the curiosity in me that always find its way to show itself up. I want you. Until today, for almost three decades, I try to search for you. I even tried to find you at many kilometres away from my current staying. Yeah you do sometime showed up, but you never stay for long. 

Why?

Tell me why?

Is it me? 

That I never deserve to get you?

Is it?

But what did/do I do?

I was always been nice to everything, no matter how hard it is. I can even count with my bare fingers, on how many times I did bad stuff. Even so, they were all done as my attempts to find you. But still, you play hard-to-catch. I start to hate you by now, you know. But if I stop look for you, then.......

I might....

End up........

Ruin myself again....

Like the old times...

What are you? Where are you? Just, what are you? 

I want you, instead of your 'partner-in crime'. I don't need it, because it only wants to see my eyes to pour out water. But why it is the one who always come to me? Since you really don't want me, why not if you take away this friend of yours too? Just take it away, it has been my enemy since I was in my mother's womb. 

Because of it, I stop foresee my life in next ten years. Because of it, I stop from hoping you to come. Because of it, I live in fear. Because of it, I hate my life. Because of it, I almost....want to end up my life....

.....

Saying all these....

It's not like...

I'm not grateful with what I physically own right now...

I do grateful.....

I really do....

Because I still found you in somewhere sometimes....

But I just want you to stay for longer time......

.....

Okey, let's make a deal, shall we?

I will never stop look up for you, and please, you too, after all, it's your nature to be "volatile".

Don't worry about me, because I know what I'm doing, it's just that sometimes(most of the time) I don't know what I'll do.

Forgive me, if once in a while I give in.

So, my dear Happiness. 

Till then.

Oh yeah! Please tell your partner again, Sadness, that I will push it away no matter how much it wants to stick on me, okey? I say, it's a deal then.

You dare to come, Sadness, I won't have any doubt at all to release the trigger. So, you better be careful....

Yours sincerely,

Happiness-pursuit-or

And I will never stop sing, as I always find you when I do it...