Makna raya dalam hidup saya II

"Orang nak balik raya ni, nak bakar lemang."
"Saya half day hari ni, malam ni lah nak balik kampung."

...

Those are few remarks that I heard this morning from the we-seen-each-other-almost-everyday people of my life. And, apparently, somewhere near the organ at the chest area had been touched, by those, which led to, a salty fluid secretion at the tear ducts. It was, weird, because, whenever that fluid came out, I must always have a distinct reason, unlike this morning.

Raya. Is almost here, again. Gonna be my 26th raya. I experiened the most jollyful raya, and also the darkest raya ever. But, since the last two raya, the feeling, was somewhat, starting to 'fall apart'. Not to say it in a bad way, but, for a person who always prioritize happiness over anything else, I just could not lie to myself that, raya without arwah(the late) Opah(rase kehilangan), is so 'wrong'.

I miss her. And the fact that I haven't seen her for almost two years, is still as if it's unreal.I still remember her voice on every of the telephone calls, looked for my mom. The warmth of her touch. Everytime the uncles and the aunties make some family gathering at her house, I could hear her telling us all; the grand-ies, to fill up our bellies with foods, and the most unforgettable view was, when everyone had their 'toto' spreaded at our usual-favorite-spot-to-sleep-main-living-room, she'd shouted worriedly from that shortest-stairs-I've-seen-on-earth-upstairs, asking if we all had our blankets(which always happened to be bedsheets) yet. I can't ever remove that sight from my mind.

Now, it's been two years, and this would be the third raya without Opah, as Opah was 'taken away' on the Ramadhan month of 2013. The first raya, I thought it was okay, even last year was okay too, and what I mean by okay is, I had the spirit of celebrating it as in the Malaysian cultural perspective. New clothes, I even gave away 'duit raya'. Until this moment of typing all these, I may already have bought my new baju raya, but even that, my mom forced me. "Duit raya" gaveaway? Too, I've gone to make some money changing stuff, but,.............are these what raya is all about?

I somewhat feel some emptiness. Maybe, it's because of Ramadhan is saying bye-bye? But, lemme tell the truth, I ain't that pious enough to feel that. Back to the morning issue, why there were 'water reservoir' in the eyes? Was it that I feel jealous when I heard them saying stuff like 'bakar lemang'?

Anyway, I don't know if I ever find the answer.















But that person who told everyone that she will 'bakar lemang' as she's right now even on her way back to her kampung, told me the most possible answer where I almost nodded as if I'm agree on our back to our 'bandar' home just now,

"Maybe sebab awak tak buat semua tu kot."




To all my relatives and friends, happy enjoying these very last days of fasting.













*The worst, I have the hope that this upcoming raya is never even going to happen.