Rant

I've been focusing so much on not-me. It's been a year since I decided to do a lil' difference in life, where of course, happen with the help of HIS.

If I ask myself, am I happy, I think, for now, I have no answer. Rather, sometimes I just start to wonder, when will these end? Like I said, I decided to change. Meaning, it's not the real plan. Now that I took a step, either backward or forward, it still a step. Now that I did it, I just can't stop. Sometimes, when loneliness creeping inside, I can hear an unhearable growl, wanting me to disappear, away from civilisation.

I just want to be alone.

I didn't realize this feeling until not so long time ago. I don't want to cling to anyone. I don't like anyone to enter my space. No one is ever my business, and vice versa.

But I can't be like one so much, so that's why, the circles that I join, are the circles that are confirmed about themselves. Not craps.

*sigh

I'm not complaining, but to encounter something that I had already encountered during the adolescence days, again, when I suppose to focus on creating more concrete stuff as I will become a twenty-six years old lady by the end of this year, I can feel the stands that I keep holding on since at least a year ago, they start to fall apart. So sad. Nothing much can be helped, because I still need to encounter those.

But don't worry, o~myself, they're just falling apart; the stand, not you. As long as I have myself, I'll be good, insyaALLAH. It's just that, when the I-can't-handle-all-these-bull**** moments come once in a while, that is when I really want to go away, After all, I did on a once upon a time, so, it's almost as if, it won't be a big deal for me to repeat.

If anyone ask me, what's the most expensive stuff of mine these days that I can offer? Time. I really have lil' time, even to pamper myself. A huge transformation of myself, that I don't need anyoneelse to confirm is, I don't take care of myself as much as I did last time, Like the original me. As simple as, since eye bags weren't allow to be appeared on my face, so whether I had to face some academical exams or whatever that needed me to sleep less hence making it became the factor of the eye bags appearance, I didn't care, I would sleep. Just sleep as if I had every topics covered in brain. Care-free.
So, these days, there is one more wrinkle about to form under my eyes. Sh*t. I hate it.

I feel like I have so much to write.




But, I think I need to stop.









But if I am allowed to say this one thing, I just want to say, none of anyone of anyoneelse than myself here, has yet make me feel impressed, and that's sucks. Really.