Teringin nak cakap macam ni dalam kehidupan normal.

Currently, her closest friend is this blog, why she calls it a closest friend, simply because only this blog where she can pour every details in her mind in the most structured and mindful way. And oh yeah, she would really love to wish everyone a very Happy New Year. As she already learnt that being like everyone else is not a crime at all, therefore, before she types down her so-called resolutions, let's just go backward a little.

Her true life was actually started around when she turned 21. That was not long after she graduated her first Diploma. Degree story line was rough where eventually she decided to make it a full stop, for a while. Sorting off all kind of emotional factors, leaving whatever sane mind could digest only, the reason was to work on cash. Thinking about debts she needs to 'spend' later on, making her shaky decision turned into a firm one. Have to admit, it wasn't a sweet-in-the-naked-eyes journey at all. Not at all. It took more than the time frame of completing a diploma. But, to look at it at the bright side, maybe she can be considered to finish her not-being-taught-in-a-standard-classroom-teaching Diploma in the University of Life. Everything was literally started then, not more or less.

Betrayals, lies, gossips, pretends, heart-crushing, disappointments, rages, tears, unexpected. unsupported, ugly surprises, slandered, misguidance, and the worst, was being judged the faults done by others.

Leaving herself so empty at that final point. A final point where she decided to stop. To stop trying at all. At all. Nothing ever concerned her. Feeling-less. Silent. Nothing. Zero. And please trust her, she only responded to everything with fake smile.

But eventually, everyday started to be the same.

Unknowingly by anyone, in fact, even by herself, her life started to show some patterns.

She started to cook. She started to do the laundries. She started to listen to latest songs on local radio frequencies. She started to read from comics to short stories, from short stories to novels, from novels  she started to write her own stories. But despite all of those, she remained silent. Her mouth was as if she was only allowed to either smile or not-smile.

On the same story line, busy-bodied crowds started to focus busy body-ing other things. Perhaps, starting to realize, they had theirs. But she didn't care. She forgot everybody. she just wanted to be alone. Alone. She hated it when anyone attempted for a conversation. She hated it, when she feels that somebody is trying to approach the new her. The no-longer-exposing-the-emotional-side of her. She became a mystery, again. Like the older times. She refused any suggestions by anyone, in her silence. She started to implement the idea of "action speaks louder" in her life, where, no matter how much people tried to lead her, she remained remote, physically and smile.

But inside her, rages, disagreements, dislikes, angers, she held it inside, tightly, super tightly. She kept repeating the patterns of the new her. She cooked, she did the laundry, she read, she wrote, and she listened and digested it.

There was one issue she encountered when she cooked. She couldn't taste. For a Bachelor of Science (Science & Food Technology)(Hons) dropped out, it was a ashamed one. Why can'tshe  taste? Then, there was a call she received, asking her to verify her own phone number, and what happened was, she literally had no idea what was her more-than-five-years-own number! And that was the time, after moments of ignorance, her finished Diploma in Science sense started to question her own brain ability. Was she truly, ill? Well if it's, then that's really something she needed to fix on. She started with doing some mathematical problems solving. She memorized logarithms like the old times. She even opened her Calculus text book and did double integration, when she never did before, even when she was an official student. She played chess in her laptop. Then, she remembered about brain deterioration. She surfed all the articles about the related event, Alzheimer, Dementia. She read all the details as if she was an official science researcher, or perhaps, a science student again. And, SNAPPED! It was a huge realization. She was still in her early 20's, and yet she already experiencing the 60's and above folks illness?

There was like an invisible alarm. A very big one. She got feared, the real one. She even dared to imagine herself like those tramps she saw throughout her life, especially those she saw when she once lived in KL. Real fears. Real. An inside voice 'said', "You really want to be a beggar?", sarcastically. And that was almost like in hell. Mix feelings. It was crazy. That future vision of herself, wearing smelly and not washed clothes, scratching the disgusting itchy skin, unmanageable tangly hair, talking alone and looking aimless in public were too, heart wrenching. Her sanity was tested to the fullest. Then was when she always had the thought of suicidal in her mind. But honestly, there's only one thing that stopped her killing her self. Try to guess it, people. Seriously, not parents, not family, what else friends? What friend? She even forgot if the 'word' friend is even exist.

She thought of the KING of the kings. She thought of the biggest ruler. She thought of the ONE that not even a single leaf falls is not in HIS knowledge. She thought of her CREATOR. She thought of Allah s.w.t. She remembered about life in the hereafter, She thought of heaven and hell. She thought of going back to......al-Qur'an. It's been so long, when she last touched it. She read the meanings. She trued to understand it, again. She happened to read her last time bought a pocket-sized book contains Hadith, the other life guide tool left by the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. And the 40th Hadith was understood as, Allah s.w.t mercy is rather huge than her sins. There's a light, again, an invisible one.
For almost half of the year, she didn't even perform the obligations as a Muslim, that five times a day called because she just didn't want to.

When she thought she just lose hopes in life, she's actually putting her body organ in danger too, in this case, her brain. She really scared the sh*t out of herself. When people slowly neglecting her, like the older days again, where air could finally being exhaled and inhaled freely, when space became spacious, it almost called her for fulfillment. Something like, doing the right things again. Culturally first. Then she decided to learn deeper, from any resources she could find, about, the reason of all the religious rituals. She seriously wanted to know why can't she colored her hair, because she really wanted to do it. She wanted to know the motives behind all the sujood, ruku' and all the movements. She wanted to know why she needs to behave to other people. She wanted to know all the reasons behind every moves she has to do. She hungry for reasons. Reason. She wanted answers. Answers. And to her own surprise, everything is in al-Qu'ran. These always gave her a butterfly in the stomach feels.

Where she had been to for these while?

Why so late?

Why only now?








But, isn't there's a saying, "What goes up, must sure come down. And only when we are down, then we'll get to move up again." Plus, it's better late than never. Unless the sun arise from the west, or her soul is already at her throat part, all her sins can be forgiven no matter how big or high they were. She knew that her place is in hell, if she commit suicide, like forever. Gosh, she already felt life on this temporary place was as in hell, then to throw herself to permanent one, she didn't think it as a great idea.

Little by little, her faith in Allah s.w.t starts to 'pile-up', again. And this time, she knows why. Unlike last time, she did it, because of that's what been told. She did it because she had to do it. Stupid. She was stupid. Passive. She was passive.

And right now, not even a single living things can change her, unless that's what Allah s.w.t allows to happen to her. Not a single living things can impress her, na'ah. She just want Allah s.w.t. That's all she wants now. Allah s.w.t. Just HIM. Just HIM. And that's her forever resolution. She feels something block her ways, no doubt, she'll 'kill' it. And may everyone else feel the same as her.