n~5ive

Was it wrong? To miss you so much? Was it too burden? Just to see you for not even more than 5 minutes? Was it too easy for you? To ask me not to be hurt? Did you even think of me? Did you ever trust me? Did I ever put you on troubles?  Ever? Ever? Because I did. I did got hurt. I didn't ask much, just to see you. Because there weren't much chance we have(I have).Or was I being too hard, cruel, because of that, " I just want to see you for a while only"? You said you're tired, and you planned on the thing that fitted you. But what about me? What about my situation? Or that I always need to explain on other things, when my only reason was that, I miss you?  Or Was it that, I started to response negatively, when you're in need? So, now I became less worthy?  Not that anyone will be told, but, you challenged me. Always about others. It's even painful to ...

Good bye, adolescent. Right now, I still have forty minutes, before I really say good bye to the 26-me. Haha. What's so big deal? Weiii, it's a big deal for me. For every one year older, I set myself to be this and that. Always. Only when I turned 22, 23 and 24, I called that as my transition years. From nobody to 'somebody'. From empty-headed to at-least-it-isn't-empty-anymore. So, what is 27? Okey, before I go further, let me describe a little, about my 25 and 26 like. *smile Perfect. It's like my last shot to prove to myself(and the world) that, I am okey. I'm just good. And I'm so sorry about my 22, 23 and 24 moments. I really have no intention to become like that, but hey! I fix almost everything! So, let's be happy! Haha. But I'm grateful. I wanted to know how is it feels like to be away from my own country, I did. Solo, in groups, with my bestfriend. I did that. I found a job that really fits me, in all angles; from the job scope its...

The last thing I would like to do is to decide. Even for the smallest thing. But, as I grew older, there's no way I could maintain to do so. But, I guess, the moment that I had to decide, was basically right on time. I'm the most middle child out of 8. I tend to agree on everything. I almost didn't see the need of me making any decisions, because I trusted on others. Wasn't that, simple? I just disliked to.....think so much. I was, really a simple minded one. Well, that is something positive to say, by owning such attitude. What others don't really know, something about intention here. I could say, it's the major factor. The reason of why I like to let people decide for me, was because I could blame on them, if, things went wrong. I hate responsibilities. That's why. But, that was all in the past. As I mentioned above, the time was just right when I fibally had to make my own decisions. Everything were just right; the age, the event, the situations....

It stands for Best Cousin Forever. An idea that I thought on somewhere few years back, obviously from that so called BFF stuff. A sister, from another mother? Whatever one can called. A bestfriend? I tell you, it's even better. I always pray to Allah s.w.t that I can always be with them. But not until, recently. Yes, there are two of them. Let me reveal their names, one is Ya and another is Kak Anis. But trust me, Ya is 2 years older than me, while Kak Anis is 3 years younger than me. So, don't mind about the 'Kak', it's just something I grew up with. Ya is Mak Long's youngest daughter, and Mak Long is Mama's eldest sister. And Kak Anis is Umie's eldest daughter, and Umie is Mama's first little sister. And I am Mama's most middle child. Long short story, we grew up, almost together. Eventhough we were not really together, but there was this story of me with each of them. Kak Anis. She was the long-awaited offspring of her parents. So, m...

To know that nobody is actually practice what they preach, like, a super actually one, just made realize one thing, never reveal. I think it's a new lesson of my life. I just, accidently(or a little bit of intentionally) did it. It feels like, I am now so vulnerable. Well, I thought that, I can finally being honest, but, right in front of my eyes, I saw a dishonesty. I think, I think and I think... I have yet to identify anything about the feelings, because, I have to stop doing one. Because, no one cares.. No one.

Today marks the eleventh day, after I got that freedom. Now the after-effects. *Fiuu.. How to explain this eh... Ok, that freedom is so important that I can finally sketch my next 10 years life plan. It was so close, because I was so at the edge. I can fail, too. But, Alhamdulillah, I passed it. I was so delighted, happy, smiled all day, thinking of all those struggles that I managed to face on my own, with HIS help, of course. Because, there was once, I really thought that, nothing like that freedom-day, would happen. Because, that once, was really too impossible. So many bad things happened at those time, but, yeah, it happened. Thanks to HIM. *Thank you, Allah, for turned the impossible to possible. So, yeah, the after-effect. I started to sketch my next 10 years. I see myself, as a solid and stable one in all aspects of life. Right now, the closest huge mission is gonna be executed in 5 months. The rest? Still vague, at least until today. And the closest tiny mission, ...

~o friends? The one that once coloured my life? B'cos I'm missing you all. There are times, I really want to travel back in times, so I could tell the me on those days, to embrace it.  Are you guys thinking of me? B'cos I've been thinking about you guys. It's been so many years since everything. Didn't time heal enough? I'm sorry.

One more stage, then I'll be a freeman. I won't scream out loud for now, but once it's done I may be not do it for real, but I believe, whoever sees me, they thought I am. So, counting days... You know, the feeling when you finally got up, and face back all the problems you encountered while you were too-young-too-dumb-to realize days and clean them up. First, it's good you know, to face it, and deal with it and finally it's cleaned. With your own friggin' effort(with HIS help too, of course). That satisfaction, is real. Haha. I'm just glad. So, once it's over(InsyaAllah), I can finally think of a new move in my life, ang get it done. I'm a happy person now. Alhamdulillah. Nothing can change that, unless I sense a threat to destroy this happiness, The best part of being too-young-too-dumb-to-realize is, it makes me a human. Those dark experiences gave me the ability to identify my priorities in life as a whole. Eventhough much of those mi...

"Akak pernah tak, dengar lagu, pastu, nangis?" asked a colleague. -Flashing back to some memories- "Ade." "So, saye tak gila lahkan." ----------------------------------------------------------- Well, of course I have. But most of them, are no longer cry-able. Why? Most probably because, I have move on. *laugh ----------------------------------------------------------- But I remember one song, I cried as I listen to it, and I was 12 at that very moment. It was Viva Forever by Spice Girls. Well, of course there was a moment. A moment where, I was no longer a part of Bangsar Baru community. I love the place, to be honest. Family matters, that's it. The place that I lived was, somewhat, I don't know. The thing is, I'm just an emotional biacth. Haha. But I do remember, the feel when I understood that, I will no longer waking up with the same vision. The thing that I used to see, to feel. That was sad, right? To be honest,...

Or perhaps, it's you that should be considered as dead. Rather than to think about le own death.

Kadang-kadang melayan jugak music Indonesian ni.* Youtubing So as mentioned above, July 2016 is here. June 2016 has been a very good closing, as how I have planned since earlier of the time. Enjoying much of life, after some few miserable moments, where I always refer to this gold ; Really. Making me, to develop a new kind of hunger, named, Hungry for Hardships. Because, the ease-ness are sometimes, just wayyy too out of the world. Where sometimes, I really wonder, if, even whilst I am still breathing in this dimension, the ease-ness from God is already a 'Wow', then, really, what is inside HIS eternal garden, that HE promised? I really want to be in 'there', though, really.  .......Cumanya, satu perangai tu, suka nak lupa diri. Dah senang, pandai nak lupa. Hmm. Anyway, time is gold, according to a well known idiom, so don't waste a single of it. But as an almost-turned-27 person, I thought, even to waste it, is a precious thi...

To develop an attitude where, flaws are not acceptable at all. The trait is in me since I was little, as far as I remember. The result from this? I tried nothing. I hate failure. I hate to commit mistakes. I hate every negative things around me, even when the time when I feel so negative, myself. Again, I ended up, being plain. Follow the rules, at least. I never a rulebreaker. Never. I'm straightforward. Always. Not until I learn to try things, on those accidently-joined-ashkar days. Never, until that. A cultural shocking for me, personally, but since I really got furious over a statement said by this one person, "Eeee, Wani quitter," I was like, "Dude..... don't go too far. I want to quit, not like I can't make it. I just don't want to try it, what do you know?" But that's just remain in me, until I eventually finished the course. I  maybe wasn't the best product, but I just have became better than the one I was before. That's all....

Here I am, again, still inhaling and exhaling the oxygen, om this very blessful month of Fasting. Alhamdulillah. My hope is to be better than before in so many ways. In and out. May Allah swt forgives all my mistakes and sins. All of them. My wish, is to become better as HIS servant. May all my wishes come true, insyaAllah.

...me, as how I care them, and I have a ground to say this. Hmm.. But of course, I have a bigger dream. Just wait for a lil' more time for it to arrive, just a lil' bit. When that day comes, *pooof* I'll become a memory. Not to say that I set any standard or, to have an out-of-this-world expectation when it comes to love, care, and love. If I were to check it myself, it's only a very normal demand. Too normal, that maybe, it became out-of-this-world. The word 'demand' is too strong, rather,....hmm.. What I can see now, is, there'll be no future. Only I know how to take care of myself. Sometimes, the two parties game, isn't so fun at all. It is as if, I limit my own capabilities on handling, stuff. Stuff. Yeah, stuff. Again, I have a bigger dream to catch. When the time arrives, I'll pack up my things, and leave. As only I know how to take care of myself. And to be honest, I can't wait for it to come. Really.

The problem with myself is, when I do something, I would do it with all my heart. But to reach that 'with all my heart', of course, analysis had been made. So when 'that' comes, nothing can stop me. Sleepless night, prayers, anything. My body condition is as if it is just waiting for the right time to explode. I had a little clue on why this happen. Clueless... But suddenly, I found the answer. Nothing is everlasting, as long as it is called a worldly journey. Relationships, especially. Being an adult means....... What is being an adult means, anyway? When I was little, I did really hate the adults. I never spoke to any of them, even with my own parents. Actually, as far as I remember, I had a speech problem. I had little vocabulary stored in my brain. Very little. I afraid about the lack of that, will turn me into some kind of a clown, or something. Something humiliating. But, as I myself have become an adult, with more life experiences, I am OK la. I d...

...and it does, still does. But for the sake of age, culture, what choice I am left with? To be what I am today, I won't say it's all because of my own strength, effort, because obviously, this, requires patience, patience and patience, and let's just say, fortunately, I wasn't even in desperate situation. But still, the path seems to be, not that easy. I believe, because God knows I can handle all these, then I am far from complaining. But, it seems, that, some words that have been spoken to me, can still be hurtful as if I rather not to own any heart at all. Time heals. It does. Still does.

*giggling

The ultimate dream? Is to literally stay away from all kind of fauna that I am dealing with right now, and never return. Neither my own freaking state nor theirs, would be a concern. To start a whole new life. I would really wanna do that. Seriously. There are few freaking things that I'm so had enough, already. And what I could do right now, is to find the best time to realize the dream. Till then, I would keep myself, fine. What I'm just getting fed-up with, is to be around the people who only have the spreading-negativity skill. I tell you, I am negative, as how this blog described, but to spread it, so, many people can become like me, that's a sh*t. I feel so freaking hot right now. The detail is of course, too shallow to be told. But this writing might, someday, become ones reference. An accurate and most trusted reference. To deal with their shallow stuff, I just want to live alone. Literally. Let the One above settles me, as I do sure, with my own heart. How ...

...hilang di mata tapi di hati, tidak lupa. ........ I'm not ready for another major separation. Thought that I'm getting better in handling my own feeling, but I guess, I'm not really. I hate the fact that the more I try to diconnect, the more I got connected. ... Since I still have time to prepare myself, I will try. This heart, is not so naive anymore. Go. Just go. I will live.

Hopeless hope. I saw it. I'm tired. I'm giving up, already. Leaving everything, everyone. Before new memories are created, I don't deserve any of them. Such a parasite, I am. Why am I even still here? I'm no longer capable. I'm so tired. Too tired.... :(

The third day. Literally doing nothing. Yesterday was a full packed day. Well, maybe it wasn't that full as we still had some time to take a nap inside our hired-transportation, so, actually the trip is always the one that is 'ikut suke aku' kind of one. We thought that, since we already touched the ground, then it is considered as full as to compare  what other people always do while their stay in here. The first day was like today, too. The moment we got our room key, we had(or perhaps only I had it) our bath, and straight away separated ourselves from the reality, until dusk. The headache you had after too much of sleeping, was too much. But we human are always an ignorant one. Right now, that same headache comes back, eventhough I promised myself not to repeat after the first. Le friend? Well..... I think she's okey with the ache. Six months ago, I made the debut for this particular title post. Remember, I told ya I was doing it alone? So, this time, again at out...

Let's call it as the current obsession, shall we? *smile Right until now I haven't type down the title of this post, because, the feeling of typing something just came about 5 minutes ago. So, please expect inconsistencies of this writing in term of topics, themes and whatever.  Many times I seriously considering of changing the theme of this space, like the colours, the layouts, the everything, as if I am a new person than anyone had ever known before. *LOL .. But no. Well I can say, the life as one of Malaysian citizen has changed to 180 degree. But that's what I always called as 'disguise'. Something that just so people around me will no longer put their focus on me, anymore, like they used to, so, yeah, no more attention on me, like I used to be like. The no trouble-some one. *Cutting the crap. Ouh...that syndrome when I just don't know what to type as there are so much playing inside my head. Dang. Ok, let's say some...

Time really flies. I have learned so much, really, too.  But Alhamdulillah.                 Sometimes I thought that I got so much to write, but the moment I have my fingers on the keyboard, my mind became, empty. (",) Alhamdulillah.

Oh! I thought I have wrote something for this new year already, but, I guess, I haven't. So, a happy new year to myself, and guess what, I'm still alive and plus, in a better version! Emm.. 205 was the most fun year ever. While 2016, so much big big stuff will happen this year. *smile May The Best Planner guide me all the way until the end. Happy 2016 everyone!!