Hancur Aku

Let's call it as the current obsession, shall we? *smile

Right until now I haven't type down the title of this post, because, the feeling of typing something just came about 5 minutes ago. So, please expect inconsistencies of this writing in term of topics, themes and whatever. 

Many times I seriously considering of changing the theme of this space, like the colours, the layouts, the everything, as if I am a new person than anyone had ever known before. *LOL

..

But no.

Well I can say, the life as one of Malaysian citizen has changed to 180 degree. But that's what I always called as 'disguise'. Something that just so people around me will no longer put their focus on me, anymore, like they used to, so, yeah, no more attention on me, like I used to be like. The no trouble-some one. *Cutting the crap.

Ouh...that syndrome when I just don't know what to type as there are so much playing inside my head. Dang.

Ok, let's say something like, where I am now. Ok, basically, it's a calm evening, I'm sitting on a chair that someone in the family put at the balcony. Watching the darkening clouds, expecting a thunderstorms within any minutes. A small river(or a very huge drainage, I'm not sure since we first moved here 2 years ago) below that sometimes an alligator will show itself(well, at first I literally shocked and thought that's really an alligator, though, but my youngest sibling was just like, " Itu biawak, lel", after I shouted with full of excitement, thinking I could become one of the headlines, lol). There's also a railway track, where it connects my everyday routine with home. Even Genting Highland sight is see-able. Can't neglect the federal highway, wondering where are all these drivers and their passengers heading to, (helloooo, can't you just stay at home, like me, doing this blogging thing......*annoyed-face). 

Heh

Last week......

I was brought back to my little-few-years-ago memory. There was this familiar heavy feel. And it was done by another person. I am confident that, I managed to avoid the feel since the at least early 2014. But last week, I fell. Oh! It was exactly a week ago. But things just became clearer with a good sense(eh?) and a cool ending. 

A turning point. A point where, I thought that I should finally stop become who I was, and be the one that I need to be, and want to be. 

There's a rare chance for me to hear or see things like people saying how I am doing okey, how my life is good, or to be frank, I have the believe that, I am never good to anyone, to anything. So, if I am able to be with people who don't question me on anything, I would be grateful enough, just enough, no need compliment or excessive things, no.

I don't know how to explain, but right now, since that day, I'm kinda loosen a bit, than any other time before. Maybe that 'tragedy' just happened at the right time, the time when I started to feel bored 'running' the ' ship' with the person. And, I always been like that, and most of the time, I ended up 'living' alone.That's why, when that boredom starts to show itself, I get freaked out. And I don't know if other people are the same. You, know, it's like, you yourself, know that you are bored, but there's nothing you can do about it, because, you are bored. You try to do other stuff, but the boredom just like, staying there inside you, asking for a spotlight in your daily routine, whatever. Or maybe I just have a being-too-honest sickness. I'm not sure either, Hmm.. but basically, yeah, tears dropped, and my chest was as heavy as a sailing anchor. 

But as I mentioned, things turn out well, even well than any other days, and it's also been so many while, since I last promise anything to anyone, but last week, too, I made a promise to the person. Like, without hesitate, after confirming a single fear I have since I was little. And that fear, is not small, I tell you. 

The person called me as a 'very dark' one,and he's the second to say use the term, and coincidently, this morning I was suggested to watch a movie by Ashton Kutcher. The theme was about psychological stuff, and the person claimed that he needed to watch it for thrice before he finally understood, but....me....? It's not that I understand the story, as the story itself is quite ridiculous. But.... since it's just a movie, so, anything is possible according to the director, right? So, there was I, again, brought back to a little bit of my past life, as my closest cousin named it as, " Noni in the cave-phase". 

The idea of changing my destinies, as if I have the ability to go back to the earlier moments of each shitty situations in my life, so things should become like this and like that. And it took me more than three years to discover that, nothing like that can happen, never, na-ah. But the ending of the movie is not so appropriate. I even thought of myself watching it during the cave-phase, where I might ended up, still staying inside the cave, thinking, it can be real. And right now, I am serious with what I'm writing. It can happen, though.

Ashton Kutcher isn't bad, he's just fighting with a situation that he has a very little control over, and that doesn't make him become the antagonist. He can't help, but to possess a dark soul. Eventhough, he only has a little control over it, but still, a control is a control no matter how much is the amount. That way, he's not bad, but he's dark. The darkness helps him to appreciate even a small things in his life, but at the same time, he's in 24 hours of 'stand-by' mode, just in case. I repeat, just in case.

I am not bad, but I can't deny that I am so dark(even my skin is dark, lol). To accept me, is to accept the dark me, first, because I didn't mean to develop it, but the situation did it. But I'm not bad. Right? The person? Are you reading this? Hihihi *shying away.

When you explained that a few stuff last week, I felt, something unrecognizable. Really, and I am still figuring it out, but for sure, I feel light. 

Hmm....My brain suddenly stops functioning, dang. I guess I have stop here, before I start mumble weird stuff.

Oh! I haven't think of this post title....

Hmm....

Hancur Aku?

Ahh....let's just go with that. Hancur Aku. *what's the relation?(thinking to myself disapproving)

Or maybe you can read the entry while listening to the song. Yeah..

*p/s: And oh! A happy birthday shoutout to my big cousin, Kak Yan, and Mak Cu who will come back from umrah tomorow! I love you all so much.