saya sombong bila saya kurus dan berkulit mulus II

Am I still like one?
Enough said,
After a year of letting my own body to get 'occupied' by fats, I finally hit my initial five(5) on the scale.
Perhaps,
I rather feel grateful, since I did it progressively, unlike last time, too strain. I may lose so many weights in so little time, but my emotional got this breakage experience. What for?
Dignity is rather important, well,that's what I learnt from that moment.
What's the use of I am having a perfect body figure, if my mouth is as trashy as trash?
What's the use of I am having a perfect flawless skin, if my behavior is as irritating as skin rashes?
But...
To say that I don't do those negative stuff anymore, perhaps, it's safer for me to say, I just don't do that as often as last time anymore.
I want to change, but habits are just not things that can easily be removed, but I can feel that, one day, they will be forever gone from me.
I just don't want to be bad anymore.
I don't think what matters people that surround me is the issue here, rather, it's my own thought about my own self. There was a time, I got so frustrated with my own attitude, that I was the one who felt like I shouldn't stay alive. I should die.
To think of all those moments again, I feel so grateful, that Allah s.w.t still allows me to breath, and to....repent? I don't know. I don't know if my sin got cleared off already? I don't know.
Because you see, these days, lately, since a few couple of weeks ago, I felt so lonely. It's not that I am living alone in an empty house, running away from all the unnecessary chaotic of life, like I did once upon a time. This time around, I already think as deep as Mariana Trench, and all I see is, staying 'here' is the only way, I can minimize the any after-effects.
I ain't that young anymore, to get so rebellious, running away and all. Even though, at one moment(well so many moments actually), I do feel like, I am just an unwanted creature, as that's how I feel like I've been treated, oh man, should I write it out loud? Enough with just to live with a creature that does 'abaya' to me at every single seconds; it's an Arabic term. Go figure. I never have thought that, at this stage of maturity, I still have to face it, from the same person. But..

"I am not young anymore"..

But who am I to speak up. Furthermore, I already identified the reasons of all these alienated-like treatments, first of all, I am a liability in their eyes. In Malay, it's also known as, "Biawak Hidup". Let see, my problem is, I am always a person, that will never work things out as how others want me to be. Sorry, no matter how wealthy or broke I am, I will always be the same person. And incoming statement is gonna be a little bit controversial, well, I have the history, who knows, there are still some people, who are still concern about my word, rather than their own attitude.

Why?

Just the fact that, I did not finish my degree.
So, they have this 'she's stupid'-idea that I believe, had been planted deep down in their frontal lobe parts of their brain. Who wants to listen to stupider? Well, at least, I don't. Perhaps, these are the consequences of my own last-time thoughts. Maybe. I did looked back on my life events, especially the moment I decided to take semester break at first, but eventually left discontinued, just because I got so freaking fat where I got no oufits that can fit me in and a very full-with-acne face. I have to admit, I regret. What so hard with that course? Plus, it's the course that I wanted so much since my high school. I have no problem in understanding, well thanks to my diploma life, my brain could finally get the recognition, for 'being' smart. I don't need anyone else to say that to me, I know how I treated my brain for all these while, so I know, when my brain is in smart condition, and when it is not. Things are too simple, when one knows about ownself. Plus, I am a kind that never let other soul, than myself, to criticize me in a way, that I will take it into account seriously. I may listen, but that's it. It's not like I don't have any life-experience or my own brain to think. And so, the moment the decision of taking a temporary stop for study, was actually a thought that had been made, in a very calm manner, did my prayers, asked the ONE that created me, since that's my 'methodology' in making decisions since so many years ago, before I told the person who's in charge of my place in the hereafter, after that. I know she was so upset. But hey, don't make me start typing about the condition during that time, just don't. You'll find yourself at with the least advantage if you want to talk about it. Unfortunately, I did all my possible explanations, but, as I mentioned above, once thing got planted way deep down, and no matter how much it was tried to get cutover the idea or stuff, but since the root is still there, so face it NONI! Even though, it feels like I got sentenced to life-imprisonment, but that's just it. Even though I do feel so sad with those feeling and all at times, but that's it. It's been almost three(3) years since that incident; the same duration of getting another diploma cert. or even any degree course associate to mine diploma, and it's rather important to have MYSELF get together again. And since I already know, what it feels like when being at the bottom of all things, I just learnt enough that I am the one who have to get up on my own, well, people can just use their mouth to say anything about me or ask me to be anything, but it's me, who need to put things into action. They all were just the external forces. I do appreciate to those who genuinely giving me advises and all the seem-to-be-so-cruel-yet-that's-the-only-way-to-get-me-going approaches, but financially? I don't know. I don' think, throughout those days, I had ever ASKED personally for money from them, since all I did was nothing. Plus, my desire towards duniawee stuff, was even died along with my emotions. It was them who gave me. So, practically, I owe nothing from them, and remember, I am referring to the last last time, since I did borrowed from two(2) persons worth few ringgits. And yeah, I feel sucks right now, and how I wish the month can end faster, since....hmm...hey..I am not feeling that insecure to talk out loud about my financial status, DUH~ And one more thing that I owe is from my diploma-mate, since she borrowed me her nice black shoes for me to use during the earliest day in that ashkar-life. I promised to pay her with my own hand, as she gave me the shoes with her own hand. What if, I'll get her another shoes! I think that's better, plus she's in her practical mode now, I can guarantee that she'll be happy. Back to my not-finished-study story, yeah, they think I am below them. Trust me, whatever coming out from this mouth, is nothing. Sad? DUH~ I called it weird. If that's how they practice life, trust me, I always pray to Allah s.w.t since then. I have a piece of an organ called 'qalb' too; again, it's an Arabic term. For something bad or good, it's not my business. I felt so abused, but this time, I won't let their abusive treatments eats me, like how they did last time. It's too irony, that, they even admitted that they always talked behind my back, thinking my brain won't processed all those. Saying I am like him, like her and all, and that 'him' and 'her' are obviously the people that failed their duniawee life. Why do I say 'duniawee'? Duniawee means, you have no stable income, you have no cars, you have no house, you have nothing to show off in front of human naked eyes!
I always wonder, what's their real intention of revealing all those talked among them? To irritate me? To hurt my qalb? Who are they? Ouh, again and again, don't make me mention. After all, who am I, at this current position, whatever I do, is wrong. No matter how neutral one thing can be. Weird, but they say I am weird. So, for now, I will remain like today.

What is today?

They know, but do they understand? I GIVE NO **** anymore. Whatever I want to do, to be, is none of their business anymore. I just have no more feelings toward the majority of them, and if my life change one day, there is no way, I will turn out to be some kind of 'A**-LICKER' or stuff. I am emotionally and physically done. What can I give, maybe..prayers.
As in points, since I have not finished my degree, the 'privileges' that I receive? Here's the list, and it is confirmed after almost three(3) of scientific(I's still a scientist) observations, and it still hasn't change even a bit.

1. Nothing from my mouth is valid.
2. Decision-making is not my right.
3. I'm doing good stuff is nothing, but a slight wrong, is a life-time sin.
4. I need to seek for a psychiatric(it looks I haven't let go the feeling, I hope to see the people 'in-charge' of these, suffer.)
5. Possessed by SAKA(same as above)
6. Cursed(no wonder my life is always a 'stumble' one, whatelse, I was told directly on the hatred-level while it was done, and it was from....... yeah.... I guess I am such a mistake since the earliest. *sigh)
7. When I say 'no', means nothing.(E.g: When I said I want to go home, it's okay to be left behind, since, I am worthless)
8. Speak up, I am the worst mankind they ever 'made'.
9, Silence, I am agree to let they spread story on 'weird-in-their-eyes' I am to all the creature that they use to a**-lick.
10. My personal, is nothing.(My friend is someone they can hurt; sending some weird SMS, and how can that be not-worst? Worst, even dare to ask a so-called squad to make a joining team to back-stab me.)
11. My personal social life is under their power.(**** you)
12. It's okay to be screamed at in front of public.(Yeah yeah, I didn't reply, like you did that to me? I wonder, if I am really a mistake apart from the rest.)
13. It's okay to get sarcastic remarks from them, and get laughed at, but if I react to it(angry, of course, and I thought that's the correct emotion), I'll get called as bipolar patient.(DOUBLE **** you)
14. Not allow to do 'coarse'-joking with those who's heart are 'under' their care. Me? It doesn't matter.
15. My ibadah value can be counted by them.(I wish I have the talent too.)
16. I can be swept away by broom.(..................)
17. Smiling to others are crime.


















Till the day, when my time has finally arrives......
It's under Allah s.w.t knowledge, and me? I can only plan. It's irony to see, they don't accept my life fate, when they busy showing off to living things around them, on how much religious they are.
Ouh! They still have a lot of other-than-me, after all, I am a defect out of eight.



Happiness over some one else mourn? Even a monster knows that's too cruel.

No human, no cry.

Only to Allah s.w.t I belong and the one that deserve my sole love, Muhammad s.a.w.

*p/s: Three(3) years of diploma is not an indicator of ones level of knowledge I guess. Boo~ to all Diploma-holders. Anyhow, I write all these since this is kinda only my space to blurt things inside me. After all, I'm a keyboard warrior...remember?

*Even so, I am so thankful with those, who still treat me like a human. That's all I need for now.
But I'm sorry because I just forgot what is smile already. You have no idea that at times, I really wish I can at least pretend.......

*And...remember.....I HAVEN'T FINISH my degree...HAVEN'T

"Doremon!! I want your Pintu Cahaya Masa now!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Related post: 

http://nonin5.blogspot.com/2013/07/saya-sombong-bila-saya-kurus-dan.html