cara saye berkawan

As I look at many of my previous entries, I just realized that I do love myself a lot.
No need to search for hard example, even the title of this particular entry is one good example of what I'm trying to say,

Cara "saye" berkawan.

Ouh...seriously, who give a s**t about that 'saye'? But, since I first started this blog with the intention to clear some of weird things in my life not long time ago, so, I guess, those who have followed me, since the day I started to publish entries daily, they should already understand how this blog differs from any other. Frankly typing, I am one of a kind~ Ahakz~

Honestly, this is my third attempt to write for this entry, and I used my native language. But, you see, when I use something that is mine(the language, get it?) I tend to have no fear at all, hence, the direction of the writing will go nowhere, plus, the spell and all just as sucks as the story itself. And eventually, I, myself, have no idea what was I trying to convey to all my dear readers. Won't that be something humiliating? Ouh.....I just can't......

Anyway, how I befriend?

I started to have friends when I went to kindergarten. I still remember few names, like Natrah, Luqman Hakim, and Syawal. And  these people, we also became classmates when we enter primary school. (I think I did mentioned these people in one of my previous entry, I can't recall which, too many though, hohoho.) I wish I remember how we first became friends. Then I changed school. There, I met Mariam Zaharan, Mona Faeqa, Revathi, Faisal, and some others. Then I changed to secondary school, I met Hasmi, Amanina, Adibah, and many others. Seriously, I never talked to any guys. The Luqman Hakim and Faisal that you saw, were just friends when I was below nine(9) years old. No yet 'malu-malu' maa. Funny right? 'One can get pregnant even just talk to guys'. *pffffffft. Too much HBO I think. Then I moved to another school again, and that time I went to girls school. Whoaaa..I met my triplets(we shared the same name), Hanis, Amalina, Mira, Nadrah, Adriana, and imagine, I still remember of having this kinda thought,

"Mati aku, camane nak kawan ngan satu kelas nih??"

But, at the end, I only have few of them as the one that I can say, close. Then, another school which was also the final one. There I met Rohani, Atiqah D., Fadhilah Khosni, Fahriza, Aina(Angah), Solehah(Su), and Bas(Along). On my final year before I left school, I tried to open myself a bit. So, I talked to Franklyn. And that's it. A guy. Uhh..haha.

So, for my school life, I realize that, there's a pattern. To describe it accurately, I don't think I manage to do one, but there's a slight similarity, I can say. First criteria, a new kid. I always looked for the one who just entered the school. Except when I moved for the first time. That time, I think I just happened to mingle with some names I mentioned above, naturally. But after that, I 'launched' the method. Then, I seek for the quiet one. You see, I talked less last time, so, I need accompanies for that. I think that's all I can describe here. There's still more, but, it's gonna be offensive one. But one thing for sure, I always avoided myself from talking to those I-think-I'm-popular kinda people. Never did. I saw them as low-class(I'm sorry, this was me last time). What are they? They came to school with make-up, got their hair done(perm?Are you kidding me?? Dyed, rebonding), their school uniform seemed weird(too short pinafore, short tudung{aiyooyooo}, I don't know, there's no exact answer but, they were just an eyesore). Not low-class in a way that THAT class. But hey, I thought you are going to school, so what's with all the groom and all. Anyhow, and just like that, I always have the CLOSEST one. These people are the one that I feel comfortable with. But trust me, my stand of friendship is, their personal life is none of my business, so, do mine. Sometimes, the life that we live behind those smiles and laughs, are just no fun at all. And why should I spoil the good time we have together with those darkness? Plus, as long as I can endure the non-happy side of my life, I should enjoy my life with them to the greatest level~! And Alhamdulillah, I did. Even though there were said like a true friend should know all about their friend and bla bla, still, I don't think telling something negative can make a friendship become any better. And just like that, my school life ended.

I first lived with strangers, when I was in college. They called it hostel. Befriending with them had left me with  no choice but to at least tell myself a little 'deeper' for the introduction of myslef. No choice. Unless, I didn't mind of having some bi***s, talking behind my back. Ouh..hate that feeling. I mean, what's wrong of being quiet and lock myself in my room? I hate talking, especially with them. I hate gossiping. It's not like they are better than the person they gossip about. I experienced once, I don't need another. Urrggghhh, but how fake I was? I joined them once in a while. That much was my fake. The feeling was awful, knowing that I tried too hard, just not to let them gossip me. Stupid giler kan???(aa..kaan dah ternative). At the end, I can't endure the fakeness of my ownself, then I decided to back off a little, and, alas, all the faking effort just became a waste of energy. That's all I can say. The hostel that I had to live, wasn't really like a hostel as normal student lived. I am an ashkar, remember? Mingle among people in the same group for  too long time was such an annoyance. Still, after formally separated, the attachment was still there and that was like the king of annoyance. Glad that I am back as an individual now. Pity to those who still stuck 'in' there. Seriously. It's like I had to be pretentious all the time. Aiyoo~ What was I thinking. Sorry reader, I just woke up from 'the sleep'. Seriously, what happened to me? OUH!! Maybe,the fact that, I told a little dark side of my life. It was like being their hostage or stuff. Ahhha!! See, told ya. Never be TOO honest to strangers. I learnt.
But my classmate, they were awesome. And also, I started to talk to guys. Seriously, they are just fine.

As time passed by, as I entered jobs life, I started to have people that are much older than me to be my friends. Some even own a big family already. And what can I say is, first time of meeting them, I was totally awkward. But thanks for the pokerface training, I managed to not show it off. But again, I think I really cannot fake myself for long. I really felt uncomfortable. I couldn't find any chemistry with them. Their topics of conversation were different than mine, and since I was the youngest, and my respect toward those whose older than me, even by a day is very strong, I had no choice but to just 'layan'. At one point, I felt like so suffocated, and eventually, that was my first strike of the lowest point in my life. Exactly three(3) years ago. Seeing them struggling for a better life, I admit, I don't expect life could be that hard. These are the real people that living a real life. Me? I am still in need of support by my family, so, that's the realness that I'm referring to.

Trust me, I never thought that I can have older people to be my friends before. Simply because of respect-sake. I thought of doing jokes with them was only an impossible one as it was viewed as a disrespect attitude, but! Right now, I rather talk to them about all my worries and to have fun with. Like I said, they are real. I learnt more from them. Still, all my school and college friends are special in my heart.

The thing is, I can now, befriend with any kind of people with any backgrounds, effortlessly. No problem at all. Plus, the counter-current of crowds you are, the better. I am grateful to meet many great people.

Thanks experience. If not because of you, I think I am still a girl with a shallow-mind and too conservative.