Impian duniawi saye buat masa sekarang - Siri III -

As I thought this new year started with cool, who knows, the path is suddenly get rough. *sigh
After almost three(3) years of trying, I think I come to a stage where, I have to re-think on my life purpose.
Maybe, I should just face the fact that, whatever is in my mind right now, is not 'belong' to me.
I don't think I can handle me, regretting all my almost-useless efforts, once I am twenty-seven(27) years old. By month, I just turned into twenty-four(24), so, according to the original plan, I am still not to late, to pull my handbrake, and make U-turn. And suddenly, I started to have these questions pop-up in my mind. What's my purpose? Wealth? Fame? Seriously, I tasted all. And I don't think, that's what I'm looking for. Oh yeah, there was this mission of 'helping' somebody's out, but, lately, it seems like I was thinking about these people too much. Whereas, I need myself to care my own self. Hmm...have you ever experienced like this? The feeling of,

"Urrgghh, I should have known earlier."

So, about my degree fate, if you read all my entries, then you'll know what I'm talking. So, yeah, I had that feeling. But, that was like last year, I think? Because, you see, there was also, this situation, where, maybe I was at farthest from Allah s.w.t, and, yeah, have to admit that though. You see, money does make people blind, no matter how religious you are, and I think I was a victim too. I don't want to open up again what I have closed, but seriously, I did taste all the luxury while living on this planet. There was a moment where, I was almost the most updated person, like, you know, while people are using camera-phone, I already know what is Android and stuff earlier. But, I don't think that my happiness level was increased or anything. I just felt plain. Or perhaps, there was this insecure feeling. Aah. Hmm...I don't need that, though. For all my life, trust me, I always seek for happiness.

Why? Have to say, I always live in fear since I was a child. So, even a little happiness is meant so much to me. But one thing for sure, even though I was blinded by all the those luxurious, I never have any intention to show off. I just have a genuine inner-crisis. I felt suffocated and fake at some times or perhaps, the worst thing was, I started to have doubts with people that close to me. I don't know what do they see in me, and eventually I learnt about whose my friends and whose not. Alhamdulillah. Well for now, I am still in an accepting-the-fact process. It's hard and unbelievable, you know. Seriously. I guess, I wasn't wise enough to detect fakers and real. Hope that would be the first and last experience. Well at least, I knew it now. Better late than never.

And maybe, I just say or type out loud, on how much I'll revenge or stuff, but man, action speaks louder. I just geram-geram(furious) for some range of time, but seriously, the worst I could do is to post it on my Facebook account, hence to your news feed. *LOL
I'm sure that, people can think mature enough. Sorry for those 'rasa-bagus' moment. "Urrgghh, I should have known earlier." *LOL.

The thing is, if I want to blame my brain ability to absorb knowledge, the formal one, I don't think so, I mean, dude, this might sounds like besar-diri, but I was at the point that, whatever my lecturers said, I absorbed it like everything. Plus, I discovered about my photographic memory ability. Everything was so easy for me, it's just that, I still about to make sure whether it's true or not. But as you see, my emotion was at the lowest of all my life. Why? Haha, read about my 'x-CHUM' posts. Seriously, 97% of my problems was her fault. Hahaha, but who cares now. I don't. She's just my past and there's no way I want to remember anything about her. It's hard you know, to maintain the balance between my heart and my brain, and for the gazillionth times, SERIOUSLY, that was too hard. Well. I never open this to anyone, but I think, the least I should expect is, she knows. I don't need anyoneelse. She knows what she did to me, that's more important. Where was I? Aaa..balancing...so, today, I am just too skillful already. I think there is no more,

"Alah, pakai mulut, senang la."

Since I experienced those myself.

"Semuanya ada hikmah."

Right now, I appreciate people more, I have no more doubts since I started to have only-me again, I don't easily impressed with people(it's important you know, it's all about classy *flipHAIR. Kidding) and many more. To say that I'm wise, perhaps, I just got a lot more wiser than before. And it's an on-going process, I will never stop to be more and more wiser, that's one of my impian now. And for all that happen to me today, it's all written since I wasn't even born into this world.












So, thanks for reading my babbling, now let's get back to the main purpose of this entry, my Impian Duniawi.

I'm sorry, I have no more desire on stuff like..you know, money, cars and all. I have a new perspective now. Like I said earlier, I just realized that, I thought too much, and when I discover the useless of having those attitude, I came to a point that, 'what do I really want to do in my life?' Well, I will have those car and all, but not in a way that, that's my drive, you know. Right now, all of those are just things that I need to do, as a normal person living in a big society. That's all. In shaa ALLAH. Even my thinking style is moderate already. It's okay Noni, it's okey. Ahahaha, suddenly talking to myself, eh.. I wish I can tell everything here, but since I will hurt somebody, that I'm sure she'll hurt, eventhough she was the one who did 'stuff' to me, I think, I better stop now. There's a voice in me keeps telling me to write about the current situation, but, ......hmm.... I hope, Allah s.w.t will return me something more better. I mean, I hurt, but, I have pride, haha. Hmm... Hey! Noni, relax, it's normal.







*sigh


How I wish I never even met you, right now. Anyhow, you really have shattered all my dreams, that you said you wanted to do with me, but I guess, it's time for me too, to realize that, I have no luck in this anymore. 'Thanks' for hit a stone directly on my head, I am fully awake now. I don't need you, and never did since the first place. But I thought too much, that's all. I'm done. You too, I'll forget everything about. You'll be the last one, that I let to hurt me. Seriously, I never expect this to come. I do sad a little, but that's it. PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE. If you read this, just, forget me. As how you said you have things to settle at all  of sudden, the thing is I did warn you, so.....just forget me. I was just being nice. Luckily, I never mentioned this to so many people yet, therefore, in their eyes, I am still the same person. But to tell them, it's really not my style. So, don't worry, your name is still clean. I'll pretend like nothing happen, like always..
But if I have the chance to say this to you, forget about PRIDE and CLASS, I would ask,

"How could you do this to me.......after you were the one who planned everything?"
















I'm sorry readers..
The 'latest news' about my life, is too painful to bear..
I really never expect it to come.
I need a break from all of those.
It's been pretty a while since I feel this way, but, at least, never once I expect it's gonna be from her.

:(










My dream, is to have many people to love me genuinely again. That's all. Pray for my happiness. Treat me nicely. Talk to me as an adult. Accept me the way I am. Don't worry, I'll act on how you treat me.


Love,
n~5ive.