n~5ive

Hope the wound heals but it never does That's cause you're at war with love You're at war with love, yeah These battle scars don't look like they're fading Don't look like they're ever going away They ain't never gonna change These battle... Never let a wound ruin me But I feel like ruin's wooing me Arrow holes, they never close from Cupid on a shooting spree Feeling stupid cause I know it ain't no you and me But when you're trying to beat the odds up Been trying to keep your nods up And you know that you should know And let her go But the fear of the unknown Hold another lover strong Sends you back into the zone With no Tom Hanks to bring you home A lover not a fighter On the front line with a poem Trying to write yourself a rifle Maybe sharpen up a stone To fight the tanks and drones of you being alone I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched I wish that I could sto...

Preparation of letting go the past. Sweet Sour Bitter Salty Hot Peri-Peri All. New concern Now and future.

*half-lying down, cross-legged, upper body till head is against the wall, titled. 10 more days before I can wave goodbyes to 2017. What will happen to next year? To be honest, I freaking have no idea. Just what's cool for now is, I am so...need a break. From everything, everyone. There are quite plenty of reasons. This year, after the 1st quarter finish its part, I can say, life was, a little f***ed up. And the result from that is, I am now, learn how to hate again. Whereas, I thought, I would not hate anymore, which I wished, I would. I really had forgotten how to hate. Really.. Until, the f***ing s***id stinky breath creature can no longer hide its(more like an animal, than human, let's just use 'it' as reference) true-self. Still stinks. Eyeeeeckkkkk.. The damage it has caused is too deep. I can't even have its image or sound near my vision or hearing, because if it's still happening, the desire to punch it will suddenly arise,...

..is just one of the, I shall call it as 'quote', of all 'quotes', throughout the -ship. The actual thought when first heard it? *LOL* I hate it, TBH. .... In every 'ships' that I have chose to sail along, I think, at this stage of my life, as a twenty-seven and three-hundreds and sixty-three years old folk(to date), I just know how play my part as the sailor. I just know. ... Ok, maybe there's a need to elaborate how would I knew things that I have the guts to proudly mention, that, I know stuff. Experience. Sometimes, when I look back, and compare on what I have become now, what I have with me now, yeah, of course they are in better forms. But me? Have I changed to be a new person? The answer is, NO. I just adjusted some of my mindsets. There's no way I could F*c* the system. The systems were already there, and it has the biggest number of followers, then suddenly, I, twenty-seven and three-hundreds and sixty-t...

....by Pokemon. Officially break the three and a half years curse. World, I'm back. Don't say I didn't warn. Just to give a better idea. "Prepare for trouble, Make it double, To protect the world from devastation, To unite all people within our nation To denounce the evils of Truth & Love, To extend our reach to the stars above. Jesse! James.....eh....urghh..yeah, Imma copy cat. Nevermind. I love them since first I heard it when I was 9. ... Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!!" Then suddenly they called out their Meowth, Ekans and Koffing. Hahahahhahahahahah...I love these Team. Always. And Imma making mine. Pokemon has Jesse & James. Mine? Wani & W*f*e. Lol. Distracted. Again, World, n5ive is back.

...how how I wish it is. The sky had been very bright, lovely, eventhough there were always darkness tried its best to show up, but I can tell, it didn't last too long, that it allowed my happiness to be taken away. There was once, a friend, that I could actually share my thoughts on life, something too broad, in a way that's just my from perspective. Like, who am I to talk about life anyway? But, yeah, he's no longer around, and I always hope good things for his life. A friend that brought an impact in my life. I at least, feel grateful, to know the person for a while. Very short, but it's part of me today. He's gone, when I was done with my life issue. The first one, haha. I wonder if he'll ever be proud of me, if he knows what going on with me now. May God bless him. Three years and six months. Are another numbers that I need to break. My previous incomplete degree timeline.I gave up on the seventh month. The latter result from that decision was, the...

............................................................................. *literally what's goin' on my mind. lol

July passed, August passed, now it's already September. Nothing much happens, just some repetitive stuff, like works, attending weddings, dates and etc. Oh, the school is about to start again. But if I were to say about one thing, well, I guess I can tell this one particular thing. Emm, not so new, but, I can say, it's something I didn't experience since at least the past 3 years. I stop talking to some particular people. Last time, I took forever to get over such things, but this time, 2 or 3 days are enough, provided I tried to fix things. But, nahh, it's not worth at all, to stay in a toxic environment. Isolate, done. It's much more.....better to live on my own. Who wants to stay, stay. because the moment I knew somebody is having a chit chat about me, without my own acknowlegdement, then, bai-bai. bla bla bla I'm turning 29 next year, and that's something to think about. Oh yeah, I have a few friends passed away because of cancer and heart di...

That are love. Hmm.. Well I might be seen as a desperate one. Thank you, fren. But little did know that, I am planning for something bigger and heartless moves. There's no easy life at all. *sigh If only I found the one who has the same mindset as mine. God...please help. I'm not desperate, I just don't let myself to be the reason for someoneelse's fall. I just wish to have faster progression, so I can make the move, faster too.

Lol. Nice references. Suggested and agreed. I was a big bully once. Or maybe twice? Doesn't really matter how many times I did, because the real point is, any methods, approaches, modus operandi, bahaviors, acts, etc, etc of bully-things, I can sense them right away, babeh. To be straightforward seems to be so typical these days, so let's go down to this, one layer at once. How come some can be so, innocent? Innocently thought that, they can 'try' on me? Lol. While they thought they have the full-length of satisfaction, well.... if you guys know what we know, I believe, the best you can think of is to pray that time will pass as fast as a hungry eagle flies toward a flamingo. Why flamingo? Because I force myself to like pink. Flamingo is pink. Ouh c'mon, let's chill a bit. Why so serious, after all. Like, seriously, to form a virtual group on social media, where we can actually use the tool to spread love and peace, instead, it fills with hatred and jealo...

What I really understand about this journey is, no one cares. Everyone has their own moves. And I am responsible to my own's. The step I'm taking now, is too serious, happiness-killer and.....I am really struggling. Every minute, almost every second, I have to decide. Even for the lousiest thing. And I am getting tired of it. Not to say I'm quitting, but more like, giving myself a short break. I'll take whatever had happened, as the fire-starter. After all, many things have changed. It's totally on me now. The ups and downs, no matter how many people showed their care and concern, at the end, it;s me who gotta go through it. When things got to tight, it's not like it's my first time doing this, can say, I'm already at the pro level. *sigh. I gotta learn to be more calm. I'm aging, and running out of time, too. Remember, my real motive is to live happily and freely and sincerely and happily. So since these values are try...

It's been 20 days, since I first stepped on that ground again. The ground where I thought won't ever accept my present again. "Is it possible for me to come back?" "Nope, since you just went away without any notice, so, nope.  We will never accept you anymore," bluntly.  A lady of my own race.  Phone call. Tears. Heartbroken. Disbelief. Shattered. Until at one moment, I decided to move on. The second event after letting go of my ashkar life. I accepted the fact that I won't have the chance to be part of it, anymore. Maybe some other ground could accept me, hence, letting me to finish up the unfinished business. Time passes by. Doesn't care a bit about ones concern. I filled all the void by realizing some of the minor dreams. The arrangements were made that I won't be available for any long term activities for at least in 2 years ahead. Fully booked. Physically and mentally. But on one fine day, somewhere on Augus...

I have a dream. For some, it might be so meh, but, for me? It's a huge deal. I want to be a fine person. In and out. I don't want to evaluate stuff from, 4 or 5 years ago, 'cos they were just toooo out-dated. Rather, something that I've been consistently working on since exactly 3 years ago. Why 3 years ago? Because that's the moment where I completely left all that 4 or more years stories, away from my life. Those entries, where the hatred were reals. The rage. Were all real sh*ts. I was so mad about many things. But only 3 years ago, that I decided not to entertain those revengeful thoughts anymore. Why? Because I just chose to do it. No external force. Just me. Where I..in a religious-ful manner, I can say that, it's my turning point in life. I completely decided to live according to what it is. Less expectation, less rely, less of everything that was once my food. So 3 years of, I shall call, beta stage, where I practiced a close to perfect characte...

*And I just realized that there is no post been made on last February 2017. I thought I make one, but never mind (Uff, I mind it actually. How can I did not write anything?) I finally make that move. The move that I put on hold, since 7 years ago, where the opportunity came back almost 2 years ago, but since I couldn't afford to fail for the second time; as I had too many things to handle in my life at that time, only today, I make it. But to be honest, I am confident, but, I am scared too. It's gonna be a long journey. A personal journey with a lot of external possibilities that may be the reason, I, then, will give up. Because, it's long. The last time failure, that dark phase of my life trauma, is still here. Do you know, how is it feel to fail? The feeling that could kill you? The pain that only you know. Okey, yeah, I will keep telling myself that I am not that ready, things are gonna be so uncool, rough, hard and have so may obstacles. I will be negative, ...

Time flies. Time is expensive than any metals. Time waits for no man, neither a woman nor any hermaphrodite . Time magazine. Time. Time. Time. I'm running out of time. *sigh But I have no choice. I have to keep my pace as how is it now. There are plenty of reasons, because I only have one final shot. And failure is strictly prohibited. Hate me for that, but I can't afford to handle anymore failures. Leave me. As I'll resume life as usual. There was a chance, but I guess, it's no longer there. May God bless each and everyone of us. The reason: Whatever goes up within a short period, goes down very quick, too. Till next opportunity, I'll keep my self shut up.

Since I was a child, I always have a strong feeling. It could be on anything, but here, I would like to type about emotions. I was a sad child. I couldn't handle if anything like madness, anger, pressure, anything, anything as such as that would make me fear. I became mute. Because, there's nothing I could do about it, as, I was just a child. I was small. There's no particular medium for me to release once the day was fed by those mentioned above. But I know, one day, I'll fight back. So today, this year, I'll be 28, I repeat, I am 28 and I'm fearless. It's a practice since the child. But, people are having a hard time to deal with me. And these people are the people who has no choice but to stay near my radar. Especially to those who were the one that exposed to me all the negativity when I was a child. These people, they're almost a chicken in front of me now. As I figured out that, nothing about their last time's behavior is explainable wi...

It's already half month since it's so fresh, but, who cares, it's still new to me, though. I was sick, really sick for weeks, right after Christmas day off, to be exact. But, it only came to realization right after I got back from work on that final day of 2016. I tried to be cool on the first day of work on that new year, but went back home before the lunch time. One thought that I remember so much during the felt-like-dying moment, "For all the while, I took my healthy time for granted". I think I really did. So now, since I come to live, again; (Alhamdulillah), I think I started to know again, why I live. This year, instead of telling myself I just turned 27, I will say, I am 28. Yes. 28.  What have I achieved? *Traveled alone to foreign country. Checked Haha. That would be the highlight and so new. Anyhow, just to add in some more, something that I can say, I pushed away my fear, so I managed to *Drove 200km/h *Jumped into the water f...