Saya yang suatu tika dizaman tolen.

I think, starting from the last three to four years back, my idea of 'what is lonely' has been evolved compare to before.

Let me just be frank first, it was me who chose the harder way, when I could actually stay at the so-called 'comfort zone'.




Lonely........
I don't think I had been a loner when I was a human in tiny until average sized. Even from one naked-eyes, my life was always full with other human-being, either at home or school(normal kid's life). Look, I am fifth of eight in the family. But one thing my ears always heard was, 'she is weird'. And later, as I turn a little close-to medium, they change it into, 'she is unique'. I guess the fact that, my brain started to function, where it telling me that the 'weird' word has this kinda negative vibe, which in turn would make me become demotivated or feeling downgraded or whatever that in the end, I'll become retarded. Well, not retarded in a way like my Austistic big bro, but, I would just become stupid. That's all. And I was a stupid one last time though. Eventhough I was always put in the best class, but I was too, the one that 'contributed' the the number 37th out of 40 pupils in that classroom, without fail. And guess what, I never mind about that at all. Why? Because I was said to be weird, right? So, it's not wrong. Plus, I never had a vision of seeing those Chinese, Indians and a little number of Malays, who fluently English speaker(well, as I realize right now, they weren't that fluent) as my rival. They were naturally smart, while me, a weirdo. So, yeah, who cares, well I didn't, at least. So, that was it, I was never into any competition. I just did what I thought I should be, or perhaps, nothing is ever important to me. But in contradict, I was glad that I was in these so-called 'kelas budak pandai'. Why? Maybe this might sound immature and 'syok-sendiri' but, I felt smart, unconsciously. It's just that I wasn't really a fighter.


My point is, my mind has been planted with the thought that, I am never a good one, in any field. And let me bring you to a little deeper. My attitude is so lacking in many ways. Especially, attitude like being a liable one, independent in a way that IS liable one, and so on. I never took stuff like that into account. WHY again??? Again, I was weird. The thought of people will never even think about me, as a person where when he/she is no longer exist, the world will cry. Minority. Little-voice. Not important. And the worst, no future('bright' future is far too ambitious to be talked about). But, trust me, there wasn't even the slightest worry I ever had.


Ok, hold-on.






(To be continued........... *seriously, as I write all these stuff.....I started to discover the core of what leads me to become today. I need a hot chocolate like NOW!! Dang to have this feeling right now, aishh..)