Beauty in my eyes - Chapter Two -

As I look at my own reflection in the mirror, I feel like, all my efforts and determinations since child, have vanished. It's not about attitude or anything that require one to use their heart or 'mata-hati or out-of-box-thingy or what-so-ever-hati-kotor-stuff. It's about my own current physical, the outside, the outer appearance, the one that can be seen with naked eyes, these are what I mean.

I can still remember clearly, on how much fussy I was, when it comes to my facial skin care. Eye-bags, dark circles under eyes, black-heads, white-heads, acne, hairs, tinea versicolor(panau), melasma(jeragat), wrinkles and even my mouth had always been an issue for me. You know, stuff like bad-breath, not-so-white teeth and dried-lip.

Eye bags. I just hate it, it makes me look like a ghost. Like.... a ghost.. And I don't want to be a ghost. Who say's so? Well, I myself said so, I am not a type of who only change if some other creature other than myself, started to mention about me. But if they do, I will 'harm' myself more, with the intention to irritate them. Well, at the end, hmm, like I typed earlier, I HARM myself, not THEM. But time cannot reverse, and I think I have learnt enough about all this revenge-thingy( *rolling eyes). But, still, all I can conclude is that, just don't try to advise me, like you know more about me, and by that, no one will hurt during the whole 'process'. I hope this deal is agreed, from now on. Usually, eye bags show itself, after one cries, and there was a moment, where I constantly cried, almost everyday, because of the pressure of being away from home and my inner-conflict, where I doubted about my own ability to study the course that I chose and about being an ASHKAR(army). And happened again, recently, but that's it. Recently, not now.

Dark circles under the most beautiful part of my facial 'region', eyes. And I always know how to avoid from getting one, since the awareness is in me, as I read NONA magazines when I was only standard six(6). Sleep! Make it enough, and therefore, the 'purity' of my beautiful eyes will be reserved. after all, I only have my eyes that I am completely confident with. And people should be grateful as I hide them behind a pair of glasses, with an old-school design of frames, because these eyes can produce laser light that will burn your whole body, especially your own eyes, and make you feel as nervous as a fish out of water. Well, that's what I always refer as CONFIDENT.  How obsessed I was? I did not even care, if I had a big academic examinations on that tomorrow, I rather sleep, for the sake of my eyes health. I will pamper them with tea-leaf, well, the one that's in the sachet. Aahh, soothing....So, the tips here is, get enough rest.

Black-heads. Oh my dear, this thing is like, a never ending story, even until today. Solutions? Scrub them. Then immediately put on a mask. Because everytime we scrub our skin with those scrubber, the skin pores will open-wide, and if we don't close them, it's almost like,you scrub for nothing, hence wasting your freaking precious seconds of your life. Why? You are allowing 'aliens' to enter your skin back, and it will be worst than before. It's like when suddenly the earth atmosphere's gone, and all the meteoroids enter our planet, and BOOM, it is now called meteorite(I hope this won't sound to scientific, LOL). So, to prevent these from happen to our,....eh......I mean, to my skin, I have to apply masker, especially the one that is 'originated' from clays. I used masker since I was in my standard three(3), well, Mary Kay, duh~. These are also applicable  to my white-head issue. Apart from shutting off my pores, I also worried like hell, about wrinkles. Especially the one on my forehead area, yeah, there. Because, as I look at other's forehead, when they like, moving their eyebrows upward, then, the wrinkles appear. Euww.. I learnt how to do eyes massage, from my Mommy's friend, one of the head of Mary Kay, when I was standard two(2), which was back in the year of 1997. And, all praise to my Lord, I still not have one, at my eyes area, but as for now, I already face the fact that, I am no longer that young to maintain all those. So, I am kinda ready for any possibilities in the future, after all, youthful is not eternal. Wrinkles! I am ready! 

Acne? I'll type about this at the end of these writing. So, let's go to hair 'conflicts'. I have to admit that, I have a lot of hair on my face. There was even moment, where I really thought that Darwin Theory was true, until I started to understand about my religion. The conflict that I always had in mind was, how can I peacefully apply talcum, or compact powder, or even blusher, as I thought that, those elements will just make me look ridiculous. And therefore, I always thought of one day, when I grow up, I wanted to have a job that won't require me to apply make-up. And basically, I think GOD hears me. All praise to HIM. Even my eyebrows, I just don't know how to describe, because I still having trouble to manage them, until right at this particular moment. But, GOD is fair enough, HE given me, a pair of beautiful eyelashes. Well, this is not what I said it myself, someone told me before, and since then, I started to appreciate myself. Thanks to you o~ person. I won't tell who, but seriously, I didn't know that I have something nice in me, well, at least. May you will find glorious in your life in here, and in the hereafter. Well, it's not like I felt proud or anything, but you will only know, if, only, you were(are) the only creation that no one ever wanted to make as a good comparison, instead, even be the 'role-model' as the opposite of the good one, so, even a small compliment, on basically nothing, is seen as a big one for me. And I always remember stuff like this, eventhough, this were happened seventeen(17) years ago, now count!

 Tinea versicolor or panau in my nation official language, is a fungal infection. Maybe I do not really take my heath care very well, because, I still have it now, especially on my chin area. Dang! Why? I understood these fungi, will 'come' to me, when I don't dry-up my sweat perfectly, as I will about to make contact my skin with water, maybe I was like washing my face after a jog, or even just have shower after a sprint at the lake garden. MAYBE. So, there was once, when I was standard four(4), I felt so fed-up with it's present, I applied the snall-round-shaped-container; Nixoderm(an anti-fungal cream) to the whole facial part of mine, and, I 'cried'. It sting. I did my derp expression.  And still, it won't go away! I don't understand why. My Daddy is quite concern about it. But, hmm.....seriously, how!!!? Somebody! Tell me!!

Melasma or jeragat, the issue is not as big as the others, but still in my concern 'range'. But basically, my knowledge about these 'creatures' is quite reliable, I believe. All I know is, they will become obvious, when I start to be and old lady. For now, since I am not an old lady yet, I will end my writing about it, here, since I only interested to tell things that I have gone through, not something that I just theoretically, knew. After all, 'action' speaks louder.

Mouth, I always afraid that my mouth smells as landfills. And still do. About the colour of my teeth, I think, it depends, depend on my lipstick colour. I found it weird, but, yeah, mirror do not lie, except that, 'mata-hati' thingy. (LOL)

Now, the 'hero' of all, acne. Trust me, I always remember Dato' Sarimah Ibeahim tips, "Do not touch our face, especially the area that acne is to be found, with bare hands." And yeah, I did practice the tips, and where as did I found the tips, of course, again, back in 2001, in NONA, duh~. But, not until back in two(2) to three(3) years ago. Yeah, those years when my everything was as low a snake's belly, these fingers, were really rebellious. I broke my own stand, my own rules, my own face. :(. If one day, one ever ask if I am happy or not, I will say no. Why? Because, my face. I never had the imagination that it will turn into today's. They are now ruined, because of my own too-follow-heart, shallow/narrow/short-term minded, the stupid me, and I don't know. I can never have a smooth skin. In my earlier entry, I did described a little regarding my facial skin condition, it was like Be-POP in Lawak Kampus strip comic character. And I knew now, it kept appearing on my skin surface, and it was a so new to me right at that time. I even had the thought that I will never get out from my home, and meet people, and that's that. The short-term minded that I mean. Who will not get out from their house these days? Oh my, seriously, I was so unhappy with my life right at that time, that now I know, only with true, pure, and real happiness, inside and outside, cam lead to a stable blood circulation. Plus, my food consumption. I was a fatty bom bom, twice. I just eat to cover up my unhappiness, and I thought, that I was the worst hypocrite *****, at that time, because in front of others(my family especially, since I only have them right at that moment), I wore a stuff called 'SMILE', whereelse, inside of me, I always have this murdering desire. I don't know, but I was really an unhappy one. So, physiologically, I knew that, unhappiness, will lead to the occurrence of unstable body mechanisms. My heart beats always a weird one. I can feel it, since, my brain kept popping out on things that I learnt when I was a student. Even though I did tried my best to convince that I am a stupid, plus nothing in brain person already, but, I don't know, I just do not know how to stop, because I just want to stop everything, I just don;t want to do anything anymore, I just want to stop realizing my dreams and all, and all!!! But, sanity keep me in shape, and I also acknowledge that, that is what GOD wants, HE wants me, to get beack in the track. I just do not know yet, how to explain, my condition at that time, but one day, when I know, I will write it up nicely, so that, there will be no one in this world, will have to go through, what I went through before. And today, eventhough acne is no longer as active as few recent years, but the scars from my 'mengutil'(nibble) action, plus with the knowledge of the consequences from doing one, I am now just completely an ugly girl with an ugliest face, and no matter how much I mentioned on a one fine day that I am cool with it or whatever, the tiniest part of the inside me, is not. Why? It's just me, that's all. 

The above writing is completely base on outer appearance, and has nothing to do with anyoneelse, but me, myself and I.

*Thanks for your time and effort for reading these flawful writing of mine, and just to mention, these writing is also been typed in one-go. If I happened to delete any my previous, or perhaps, this entry, like my 'http://nonin5.blogspot.com/2014/01/perjalanan-beg-jambookoo-siri-i.html' ever again, I definitely have no back-ups, and it will forever 'Rest in Peace'. =.= (Dang!! I still feel sad over the deletion incident, boohooo T~T )

*And I think I want to change my frequency of blogging, instead of two(2) days interval, I think I go for three days.