ashkarkah saye? - Siri VII -

"Engkau pakai matrik card kenape!!??" asked Puan Ez to me, while jogging as one of the PT(Physical Training) on a one of the earliest Friday for me, as part of them. And it's pretty awkward for me, when somebody else use "Aku" "Engkau" as the Kata Ganti Nama, during the early-meeting with them, just a plain weird, that's all.
"Hahahahaha," she continued, alongside with some others of my intermediate, but I can't ever forget the voice of hers, while my mind was brought back to this another voice, that I heard earlier,

"Kitak orang kena pakey matrik kad, di siney juak kitak orang berada(weird right? Never mind, I am not a native)," said Akak PM(can't recall what's that stand for, though), during the orientation called Minggu Mesra Siswa(MMS) 2007 of UiTM Sarawak.

So, I was like, "......." empty minded.

And that's basically how, I dealt and managed to survive until everything is over.

I learnt some new skills, one of them is called, 'POKER FACE', another is being shameless(well, in some situations lor). It's cool you know, ahakz.

I didn't immediately react to any 'threatens', instead, just let anyone talk, laugh and do whatever on me as long as they love me......... =.= , kidding, as long as, I am not the reason behind any punishment stuff. You know, like,

"Sorang buat salah, satu skuad kena!"

Seriously, I don't think I can live peacefully if I happened to be one, I mean, to be the 'Sorang', na'ah, no no~ I rather to be called as,

"Blur"
"Kau ni kenapa muka begini, aku mo kasi hell pon ndak sampai hati," said Tuan Redwan once, during our Minggu Suai kenal(MSK) 2007, but really, that time, even though my body really followed the orders very well, yeah, VERY WELL, but my head was really filled with the thought of,

"What the hell am I doing right now?? I freaking supposed to read books, but where am I now, man!!? I did not coming here, spending some people money to fly here, to do all this weird stuff!!? " I screamed this to myself, and it kept repeated until, yeah, that Annual Camp UiTMKS 2007, the moment that I was appointed as the Ketua Platun(Platoon Leader) of my 'lovely' squad. Seriously, I know I had typed about this Ketua Platun before, but, dude, that was one of my life turning point, the moment I tasted the suck~ness of reality. Oh man, I still feel bad right now, because, even though I always knew my self as a person that was not as good anyoneelse in my squad, since they have shown so much skills they have before the training even started, while I was just a squad that even used "Kite" "Awak" as my "Kata ganti diri pertama", somewhere deep in me, I always have the desire to do better. If only I can imagine better during the ashkar class during the Latihan Tempatan(Local training?), because, seriously, there was this very large rock that blocked my mind, making whatever that had been taught, I seriously couldn't 'digest' it. But to see, everyoneelse seemed to understand, as that's how I seen by their facial expression, I just didn't have the gut to ask(typical me (",) I guess). But(again) Alhamdulillah, as time passes by, as I started to be a little open, and the rock too, just got eroded, little by little, until at one point, I started to feel, a genuine happiness. (Miss those days, :') ).

Another 'memorable' remark was,

"Wani nak quit? Eeeii, Wani quitter."

=.=

If I didn't consider the fact that she was a person that is older by age than me, and a sister to a person, and also the one that I always thought I can rely on, in term of inner-protection, I would love to put a red chilies into her mouth. And yeah, that was too, one of my reasons, of continued that ashkar thingy until the end, because, I am the type that won't simply let other people intimidate me. Well, I called that as weakness, since, hmm....I dunno, but these days, I already know how to handle a little. I cannot let anyone look down on me, NO! I ain;t a loser, though, as one said,

"Pantang dicabar!" .....  =.=  .

Whatelse,
Oh yeah, back to that annual camp story, seriously, after like the whole time of daydreaming, I mean, eventhough I was physically there, I still can't forget the sadness and the can't-face-the-fact-of-what's-going-on stuff, the feeling of just wanted to be a "Budak Gading"(a college name for the commoner, LOL), suddenly got crushed by,

"Wani, aku tengok name kau, pasni jadi Ketua Platun kat list tadi," said Peng, which was DANG priceless.

How can I describe it better eh? Aaa, that was, REALLY BIG. You know, like been smacked by something hard on the head. Fuhh...
But yeah, thanks too, to the practice of the so-called POKER FACE~!
You see, I can guarantee on one stuff, if anyone of you, would like to know this fact from someone else, let me just tell this first, 'NO ONE KNOWS'. *smile
Because that is just me, I am not a type that easily tell my problems and all, whatelse, my anxiety. After all, even if I did, what can they do for me? Replace me? I don't think that's an ashkar style, haha, oh! Wait! So.... I did think as an ashkar.
Hmm, not bad.
Ahakz.

Seriously, eventhough I feel like I am weak, still, I won't let anyone think that I cannot live without them. But if I did(or do in the future), then, that anyone must be freaking damn awesome to the greatest level! Wahaha..who knows what future holds after all, aite?

Oh yeah, the wearings. I can still CLEARLY remember, on how much my eyes would experienced this eyesores and head got so 'bushy'(semak.. :D  ) everytime I saw an ashkar wearing those uniform thingy. But, as you see, human's mind can be trained, I guess.

Regarding my life as a commoner, since this ashkar thingy only needed my commitment during weekends and cutting off my semester break, so, I made sure that my weekdays were totally my time to be me, like, literally what I want it to be. No rules, no nothing! Just me and my self, I didn't freaking care about all those kawad, care nothing! All I know is, I am so me, during my diploma days. Except that, every Wednesday, we had to wear this uniform called No. 3, and that's that.
I still remember, there was once, I had this pink bottle completed with pink string, and badass~LY, I went out via the back door, and supposed~LY, everyone(the commoner) acknowledged that whoever used that door, was definitely a ROTU(the askar associate name) peeps. So, yeah, and there were a pair of eyes that so, hmmm, should I say, 'obsessed', (I'm sorry), that was always 'upset' over things that they thought, was so-not-ashkar. No need to mention the name, since I heard no things from her these days, too. So, may she live in peace, LOL.
So, yeah, she even said this directly to me,

"Kau ni, pakai camtu, malu la."

"Sorry, don't try touch my weekdays, girl," I said this in heart behind that sorry-look. A perfect acting, I should say.

Hmm..

But chill, that's that. Through out the ways, I did genuinely learn what is respect, what is know my stand and level, what is being humble, what is good and what is bad, and so many stuffs. Hey, they called it as training right? So, I don't think it's a crime to have such negative thoughts as I mentioned above, and what's important is, who I am today.
Who knows, I thought no one deserves to have my respect, since I've been spending my whole life before, as a person with full of hatred. The only thing that I missed a lot was, my spiritual needs, that's all.

I never ever thought of joining all these ashkar thingy, but then, HE put me there, and changed the almost-full of me, to be better. And alas~! Leftenan Muda title, that was the best gift, by my adjutant and the rest of the trainers, after all, these people had worked their ass off, until we done our three(3) years of training as a cadet officers, hence what is life, what is life as a half-commoner, who are we, and so many other stuff, that I don't think I can get at anywhere else. And the best was, spending an awesome three(3) years as a #4th batch of ROTU Airforce UiTM Kota Samarahan.
Truth is still the truth. I know what I know, I know what they know, but, they freaking have no idea on what I know.

*I have to admit that, I did changed, since the moment I received my own freaking yellowed-cylinder-container, because I wanted too. And I too, have to agree that, I shouldn't do it drastically, but what's done is done. So, practically, it's not COMPLETELY, their fault. Plus, I already predicted all these earlier, since I know, no one knows the real me, and how can things still be the same, when the known-Wani wasn't even real. I just can't endure, no more, with some of the attitudes.





*AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY LANGUAGE ALREADY?? :O FORGIVE MY GRAMMAR AND ALL. :/
I just feel, empty again, these days, and I guess, my brain is affected, too. Hmm..