~nfive sings no. I ~

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Start Of Something New

Dear Self, It's weird right. Having almost everything that you have been wanted for so long, yet, here you are again, grunting almost every single minute. I mean, what is wrong with now? Is this sad? Or mad? Or simply a depress? What do I keep thinking about "I should've done this, I should've done that" very often.  Happiness.. where are you? Where is that enthusiast me? Because, it seems like, I don't even want to get up from my bed, and living the day.  I think, if anyone would give a comment about my life right now, they would say, it's already perfect. Normal.  Here I am, sighing again. I want to be happy. I think, I remember, back then, travelling made me feel happy. And, making people around me felling comfy, made me feel happy. Unfortunately, some people just screwed it. I tried to be as nice as possible, not wanting to re-do the things I did when I was about to enter adulthood.  I thought I did it this time, but it turned out to be, not that.  I...
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And That Something New Isn't Going Well

I am a state where, every aspect of my lives are in mess. Right now, I am questioning my sanity. Was the too long leave from work, just made me become out of touch from the reality? I'm feeling like I am so stupid. Nothing is going well now. And when I say in every aspects, I mean it literally. I feel pitiful towards my partner, my off-springs.  Oh dear self, what have you become? I feel literally lonely, in this journey call adulthood.  And to be specific, it's about my working life. I think, I just forgot how to mingle with people anymore. But this feeling, is not actually new. I felt very familiar. And what I manage to find is that, I cannot do things alone. I am just incapable. I must have a company to do anything, everything. And, **sigh... Since it's the third, no forth times now, how can I not realize this. Ya Allah.. Please help me, as my mind keeps replaying how I wish I didn't do this. Ya Allah, only to you I am relying. Please find a kind friend for me.
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Tidakkah Mereka Pernah Lihat Mereka-Mereka Yang Menerima Balasan?

  In 5 days, the daughter will turn 1 year and 1 month old. The same day, something big happened too.  The day I am myself again.  I wonder. Why so determined? Who led it? Whatever happened, I rather astonished.  In the name of Allah, I did my best. Plus, I was better, while maintaining whoever I was. I am self-sufficient. In a way that, I never need another human being to back me up. And I don't think that is an unknown. Not at all. Suddenly that person acted up as if I have changed. At this point, I do want to puke.  Thinking these ways, I think will only put me into regressive mode. I can't be that.  I am not sad at all. But what affected me is, my offspring. We never separated even a day since they were born, unless I was hospitalized. But now, I already created a schedule of meeting them.  Allah... Please make me strong.  And I am sorry, I am not the type that is so nice, can still pray for goodness of the people who put me in this current li...
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