n~5ive

Aaaaah...........rasa bahagia hati ni. *smile :) Alhamdulillah

The memories of my childhoods are quite strong. There was a wise person asked, "Kenapa awak boleh ingat semua tu? Otak awak ni macam ada memory card 8GB," which I thought, "Only 8GB?" but as usual, those kinda remarks were only heard by my ears, or perhaps, my heart. Actually, I lived my days as a kid with a lot of hope. Sometimes, I really hope that I was the only child in the family, so that the attention perfectly belong to me. Sometimes I hope that I was the only girl in the family, maintaining the original number of the current, so that, I might look cool in my girlfriends eyes that is to be protected by so many guys and I must have been the one that is loved the most. Sometimes I hope, I am the eldest one, too, maintaining the numbers, so that, my voice is so veto, and whatever about me, is a complete priority, with all seven(7) little brothers and little sisters 'all-hail'-ing to me. But hopes remain a hope. Nothing can ever change the fact t...

Kadang-kadang, rindu jugak dengan lebihan-lebihan lemak yang pernah menduduki setiap lapisan epidermis ni. Rindu nak berperangai rendah diri.. Rindu nak rasa macam nak minta maaf kat semua orang... Rindu rasa nak take it easy on everything......when I mean everything, it's literally everything. Yang ternyata, tatkala lemak-lemak itu hidup bersama, hanya satu sahaja harapan didada, iaitu, kewujudan diri ini diterima segenap lapisan masyarakat. Kisah muka pulak, punya la dari zaman tolen,  Dari darjah tiga dah guna pencuci muka, Jenama Biore jenis 'Cool', Konon apa, cool is cool, like, "Hey there, I'm cool." Walhal, terpengaruh dengan anak kawan Abah, Uncle Nasir MAB, Noreen namanya, Guna Biore jugak, tapi kaler-kaler pink. Maklumlah, masa tu konon nak jadi tomboy.  Tapi sebenar mengalami kecelaruan identiti,  Luaran nak tunjuk kat Chae yang adik die ni tak gedix, sampai sanggup jadi keeper kalau main bola, dengan Iwe ngan Ija cam biase, ikut-iku...

I think, starting from the last three to four years back, my idea of 'what is lonely' has been evolved compare to before. Let me just be frank first, it was me who chose the harder way, when I could actually stay at the so-called 'comfort zone'. Lonely........ I don't think I had been a loner when I was a human in tiny until average sized. Even from one naked-eyes, my life was always full with other human-being, either at home or school(normal kid's life). Look, I am fifth of eight in the family. But one thing my ears always heard was, 'she is weird'. And later, as I turn a little close-to medium, they change it into, 'she is unique'. I guess the fact that, my brain started to function, where it telling me that the 'weird' word has this kinda negative vibe, which in turn would make me become demotivated or feeling downgraded or whatever that in the end, I'll become retarded. Well, not retarded in a way like my Austistic big ...

"Kentut seindah suria, yang membawa cahya.." "Kentutlah dari hati, duniamu bersemi." "Kentut umpama titian, dalam kehidupan," "Kau terkentut, ku terkentut," "Kemesraan menguntum." "Kentut.." "Kepada semua." "Kentu................." "Tanmu!"helped Bapak(Tuan Haimi), "Tutanmu, amatlah berharga," I continued, "Kentut, membahagiakan," Dengan kentutan terjalinlah, ikatan." >.< "Kau, tukar lagu Senyum seindah suria, senyum tu kau tukar jadi kentut." Thanks Puan Mala for 'ordering' me to stand in front of strangers, singing those like...... it was nothing. It was one of my very awesome personal memory, that I just..I just..........make me smile everytime I think about it. That "Kentutan" was super funny, because I was like got stuck and Tuan Haimi(which I called Bapak, later) even helped me. I just...... *smile Than...

Maybe my heart is way too ugly to not seen things as how they do. "Your argument is invalid" Out of all reasoning that I could think of, I think they just hate me. They might not always admit it with their own mouth, but they 'kill' me with their actions. Its almost like how America's Government says that they love peace, but at the same time, Middle East is broken to pieces, 'thanks' to them. But when they do, that's it. They should know that whatever I would do next, is what I supposed to do. Remarks, remarks, remarks. Unlike me, my actions are just base on how I am treated. My mouth seldom reacts immediately to some words, especially words that contain irritations, harmful and vulgar, I repeat, SELDOM. Because obviously, do I need to put myself into THAT class? Well, that's how I originally was. That's why, not a long time ago, I almost 'shook' the world around me, for becoming a very not-me and just who reacted to that not-m...

"Ask PROTECTION from ALLAH S.W.T" A golden reminder from a used-to-know friend. (Well, not that that 'used to know', but basically, we just don't contact each other any more.) The emptiness in me was suddenly 'struck' by those words. And I still remember everything clearly, as we were sending and replying texts, until I suddenly typed, "I need a protection." If people always say stuff like 'blowing your mind' and all, I am sure, that was one of words that really blew my mind. Eventhough it was only a conversation via SMS, I still cannot forget when I did not reply him back immediately. It was late at night, at one of the college dorm in UiTM Shah Alam.  Rather than empty, I should say, I was so lost at that particular moment. I lose trust from each and everyone on this world, I hated so much with everything including Min-Jeong; a kitten that sent from Allah S.W.T to my family during the darkest time of...

Starting from the moment I finished my school, my life has been tested by HIM personally, and I just realized it now. What kind of test? Well, have to say that, things started not to go as the way I've planned. That's all. And it's been almost seven(7) years since then. And only now, I think, I have reached to a stage where, I stop expecting so much, let go of something that make me become a negative one no matter how much I love it; especially the money part, the thing is, I just finally decided to suppress my own desire, and fit myself with the society-expectation.  Have to say, it's a tough decision, though, but I guess, I ain't that young to say stuff like; "No rules~", "I am what I am!", "bla bla", anymore. I think that's a mature sign. *smugs But seriously, things really stop following my desire since the moment I told earlier. When I don't like it, I have to deal with it because I have no choice. But when I starte...