Khianat

Whenever I see this word, there's only one thing comes to mind. My beloved squad. Even until today, I couldn't really figure things out. Like, what had actually happened to us especially back in last two(2) years, when I saw a conversation between two(2) persons. Well, they weren't only just persons, they were like two(2) of the closest people in my life since the years before. Or should I say, I spent my life, like literally spending my time with them. And a t one point, I even had the thought that, even my siblings knew less about me compare to them. It was like, I had finally met a bunches of people that I could be my self in a way that I always had been imagined. 

These are the people that I literally opened up my heart to accept all their flaws and letting my self to be seen as a helpless one. I just decided to not give even a tiniest thought about them, their weakness, their lacking, or whatever. Even those with high temper, I even told my self, every single day, through my own reflection inside the mirror
"Diorang hanya manusia biasa." 
when I actually hated this kinda people the most, before I met them. But, for them, I let go of my 'fondness'. But it looked like, things just didn't last for long, when I finally 'erupted', the moment I hacked and read the conversation via the number one social network in this era between the two people that I mentioned earlier.
Rather than angry, I think 'I was upset' is more accurate. I just never thought that both of these former-friend, could say those words. I mean, I knew that they dislike me since before, but I never thought they can hated me that much.

"Aku benci doh dia." by M*****. The same person who texted me asking, "Kenapa kau berubah, Wani? *and too much words that I could only remember a little."
"Ala, aku pun, tapi buat-buat je layan dia." replied T*** ***i***. It's even  her birthday today.

The memories of the last time, where I even sacrifice my diploma moments sometimes, just shattered as if I was...nothing. And I knew, since there were hints earlier by some others, but the fact that I didn't have any prove was what made me decided to stay for a while. That 'T' was a true faker, that's all I could think for now. Because, yeah, she really did a great job as the 'buat-buat' acting was worked. Well, you know, I knew I was being a little bit pushy at that time, but I thought, they knew that my situation was so up-side-down, and could be a little understanding, plus, we are a squad. I don't know if there is any other reasons beside that. I thought that.....ahh.....I guess, it's just my thought. I was the only one who have that thought. Silly me to think that squad means loyal, together-forever, whatever.

I felt that, the feeling of betraying them, just because I made friends with people from different squad the moment we had been commissioned, were so wasteful. 

Now I know, it's true that there were some weird moments in my life that I happened to lose so many friends at that time. Ah! How could I ever had the thought of betraying just because I was making friends beside own squad? How could I? I mean, yeah, after I first met them back in that Borneo Island; disregard my diploma friends, I never expand my social network just because of the quote,

"Jangan tinggalkan skuad."

Maybe I was into it too much. 

I would like to explain few things that was really weird to some people back then. Don't worry, I do realize and was at my best sanity at that time, but I just didn't know how to deal with it. So it wasn't just you who thought that things were weird. 

First of all. I literally trained my self, for the whole three(3) years as a cadet officer, to always think positive about my squad. So, it was like, I literally say,

"Takpe, kita kan skuad."

no matter how much I hated the person is, until what ever they do, I just ignored, closed my eyes, shut my ears, stayed mute, that extent, yeah. It was almost like 'maksum' level. Okay, maybe I still can't find the most accurate way to explain about my attitude toward my squad, errmm......okay, like this.
It's true that I decided not to talk, not make any contact, don't give a f***, spreading my hatred to the world, 'mengungkit' every single thing about them since that shitty conversation of theirs, but one thing that I am still doing is, my ears will 'burn', my heart will ache, when I see somebody else talk bad about them. This is something that I, myself find it very amusing. I don't know why. I mean, why am I being like one? They literally chased me away, shouting rubbish directly into my ears, dissing me, but still, I am like backing them up. Why? If anyone from the psychological field could identify this as a disorder, which in need to be hospitalized, or perhaps, medication prescription is needed, hey! I would voluntarily do that now! What am I? I ain't that nice to act like that. I mean, who just give a ***t if someone else talking shit about them? They are officially none of my business since that chasing-away night. Seriously, am I sick?

Erghh, never mind.

Okay, I was at 'explain-about-some-weird-things' part, but as usual, I got distracted by some of the sh*ts events. So, there was these moments, where I made some new friends from other squad. Well, when I type friend, it means I treated them not more or less as how I treated and behave toward my own squad. Plus, they are pure peninsula. What I'm trying to say is, the culture is familiar. Unlike with my squad, aah! This was it! The culture! Aaaaaah......I think this fix so many puzzles. So, basically, when I met these new friends, somewhere in me just experienced this 'feels like home' feeling. During the earlier stage of the friendship, I was having this confused, uncertain mind, vacillate feeling, afraid and some other inner-crisis. And the worst part was, I afraid that my squad knows about the friendship and hence, I would be called as a BETRAYER! And as much as I tried my best to not letting them know, some of them eventually acknowledged about it after one the newly-made friend just said 'Hi' to me in front of them. I was stuck in the middle between the squad-loyalty and a new friend from another squad. I really didn't know how to react at that time. And yeah, whatever I thought to happen after that, was really happening. I was 'fish-balled'. Hahaha. Just because the new friend is from junior-batch, I was accused that I was spoiling the junior, ouh...I just want to forget all her words. No wonder, there is this Malay idiom,

"Sesungguhnya keris lembing tiada tajam, lebih tajam mulut manusia."

Or in English, it sounds like this,

"The tongue is sharper than the sword."

I was completely hurt by the person who accused me for everything she said. To make it seemed worst, she was accompanied by another person, and that person knew me in person, since we weren't even a squad. Even though I knew she would never back me up, but somewhere the non-ego side of me really hoped that she would at least said,

"Alah, engkau ni, biarlah dia." to the other person. But, what the hell did I even think?? She even poured some petrol to the existing fire. My heart was crashed. Who knows, I thought so many years of knowing each other were enough for me to rely on their 'friendship'. Oh yeah, before that, the one that accused me was just a squad from another place, and she wasn't really a squad in a way that I lived with when I was in Borneo. Back to the storyline, I was disappointing to the greatest level, that I still remember, the dark side of me, started to whisper into my ears, told me to keep endure for a while, until one day, when I managed to get myself together, revenge will take place. I still remember....hmm.. One of the moments where my belief in,

"Kita kan skuad." 

was slowly being disobey. Once the fish-ball moment was done, I got out from the room, and I knew, things will become not cool anymore. I was even more determined to put revenge into actions in a way that, I wanted to strengthen my friendship with these new friends.

"Skuad aku sendiri yang dah duduk ngan aku tiga tahun pun tak pernah-pernah nak fish ball aku, ini yang baru kenal aku pulak bajet bagus nak tunjuk authority mentang-mentang aku kat tempat dia berani? Poyo."

I still remember that thought. Ahahaha. Seriously, I became bad again. The moment I couldn't be honest with them, is the moment that I am no longer the person that they used to see. I started to question on sacrifice and so many stuff that I endured during those cadet officers years. I thought that everything was a very wasteful, like, VERY WASTEFUL. I needed to do something. Perhaps, they thought that I was an easy-target, where else, I was actually adapting myself according to the situation. I couldn't imagine if I didn't change from the kid-me, definitely I will be hated since a long time ago. But it wasn't that easy, since, I needed to adjust so much thing. 

You see, these new friends really caught my attention. They made me feel like I am somebody. A feeling where I never felt when I am with my squad(not all). The best part, they are older by age than me. Even though they are practically my junior, I even called them as "Kak". And I know, some people just didn't feel good about it. I had plenty of proves, but it's doesn't matter any more. It was an automatic reaction, since I knew that they were born earlier than me, so, I thought that they deserve a respect. I no longer give a sh*t on those seniority stuff, because as the matter of fact, once they got commissioned too, seniority means nothing. I even went against one of my intermediate at one time, so, DUH~. But seriously, you know the feeling when you were surrounded by the same people for a long time, you will never grow up, so meeting these new people, I feel like breath in new fresh air. I am evolving again.

"Gila kuasa."

I was having an inner-conflict about a stuff called 'love'. Even though I was upset for so many times with my squad, but I love them. And at the same time, I started to love my new friends too. But at that time, I can only choose one, because of,

"Noni, takkan Noni sanggup nak tinggalkan skuad Noni yang dah sama-sama tiga tahun dulu, hanya kerana junior yang Noni anggap kawan ni?"

It was so confusing. This was the moment where I started to act weird. Pity everyone. Perhaps, it was my first time to experience all those. No wonder some people even become insane. Even though I always tell myself about the possibilities of all these, but I was never ready to face them.Yeah, I already predicted that I will no longer be close with them and all, so that's why, all I did was to not making too much damage from it. I mean, I didn't even think of getting rudely chased out, being humiliated with shitty words, and stuff. I just thought we will never be close again, that's all. It was a hard-slap. Even my family members couldn't do anything. With my family, I showed how much my squad is cool and all the positive vibes exist in this world, since I  myself is not a person that like to talk bad about anyone. So, I just didn't know how to say stuff like,

"Noni dah tak kawan ngan skuad perempuan."

After those pictures, treats, visits and whatever, do you think that was easy? Even my youngest and an autistic brothers knew how close we were. At least, a simple no longer chatting as frequent as before was how I thought how we will not close anymore.
But since that shouting and yelling, there is no way I can even talk to them. No way.

To my new friends, I think I misunderstood about this squad-loyalty stuff, but still, I really love the scenery of 'I love my squad' until now. If you remember, I always said to you guys that to never leave your own squad, I don't have regret about that. Even though I am almost like a,

"Cakap tak serupa bikin",

still, I am happy to see you guys are close with each other. For me, I had my time when I was a cadet officers, plus, I still keep in touch with majority of my squad. So, those minority are just worthless. I am happy to have you guys as my new friends. Who knows, with some of you guys, the friendship was even tested. Funny, because for all my life, I never took this so-called friendship seriously, where else, when I met you guys since the first time, I had this special feeling that I don't know how to describe. Somewhere in me said that,

"Diorang pon dah lalui apa yang Noni lalui",

you know, stuff like staying in the woods, chopped off the timbers as if they were matches, 'playing' with guns and those weapons, yet we still living like a girl with girlish attitude. We are tough, dude. Get me? Aah...even I don't get myself.

For some that leave, it's okay, you guys are only as worth as the former-friend in my squad, but for those who stay, I know, you guys heard a lot, and even reacted to it like didn't talk to me and all for a range of time, but still, you guys eventually accepted me back. What else could I ask for? It was like the coolest thing ever. You see, I know what is the rule to live in this world lah, of course we cannot satisfy everyone, and so, poker-face skill is cool enough. At least, in my eyes, you guys are being nice to me. That's all. 




*p/s: Especially to my still-good friend in my squad, you see, I will never 'take' you away from the former friend as I think that, that is gonna be another form of betrayer. It's okay that we can never take any pictures  or talk, or to spend time together ever again, but to breaking the still on-going friendship of yours with them, I don't think that's my style. I am cool with everything now. There must be reasons for whatever had happened. I will not get my self physically close with you, as I afraid that, you will be 'olok' by them, as how I got before. So, good luck to you. You know who you are, I sent a 'Hi' to you via SMS last time, and yes, this note is particularly meant for you. Like I texted you, I hope you are fine.



*DOUBLEp/s: I didn't know my face is that round. =.=

We all have this special bond that can never be broken.

And in the name of ASHKAR,

we are one....

and Lillahita'ala.

It might sounds POYO, but, of all the images, this one is worth some drops of tears, and I still don't know why.