ashkarkah saye? - Siri ix -

Ok..
It's been exactly four years ago since that commission day....

The day I decided not to listen to anyoneelse command anymore..
The day I decided to start being individual...
The day I decided to take revenge on every single individual that I was poker-faced with for the whole three years before,
The day I decided to..........






and I think, I just had the consequences right on my face after three years of 'living-up' all those decisions..

I became rude,
I became arrogant,
I became so close to b*tch,
I became unlikeable,
I was hated,
........nothing good in return to summarize all.





I just....
Don't want to do those anymore,
I hope.
Cos my heart constantly changing its 'stance', though.



So, what did I do?

One morning on my mum and I way to do our routine of going to Masjid for ceramah and all, I suddenly poured out every of my truth feelings,  and thoughts about my skuad, what had some of them done to her, and all the stuff happened after the day I became an official officer as never even once I ever shared with her and my final words that I can never 'pull' back sounded like,

"Ma.....Noni berzanji, Noni takkan join latihan ROTU lagi," said the Noni while sobbing in tears as she finally agreed that almost half of her internal problems aroused from there. (Plus, it's hard to let go the RM90++ a day payment by joining the latihan, though). The feeling of admitting stuff is always sucks, but in the long run, I know it's cool. But still.........sucks. NVM.










  











It's not about the 'latihan', but the fact that my name was greatly disrepute, 'thanks' to every of the decisions that I made, as stated above.
*sigh
Whether online or offline, I was so sucks.

If I am allowed to say one thing about everything that had happened,

"I should've left every single ashkar thingy once I commissioned as how I planned when I was at cadet junior stage."

The stage when I needed almost six months to get the answer of

"The hell imma doing now???" while listened to a voice saying," Tiga minit, Full no.4."

"I should've been in Gading, continuing my lovely sleep," as I passed next to Kolej Seri Gading while my whole body was doing this jogging stuff on every morning of so-called Latihan Tempatan.

"Whatever," my inner voice reacted whenever heard stuff like, "Aku dulu..bla bla.", "Korang tak pernah kene...bla bla..", etc.

And the most ugly part was," Panggil la skuad kau," by someone from own squad. Whenever this happened I always felt like 'Aku kalau tak pikir nak tutup kepincangan skuad n betapa menyampahnye emgkau kat mate aku, maunye aku hentak muke engkau gune drill boot .tapi tengok la nanti, yang engkau skuad-kau-skuad-kau kan tu la engkau terhegeh-hegehkan terkial-kialkan nanti...' and, alas, it happened right in front of my eyes by the particular person on last year, but I don't give a s**t anymore starting this year(lame excuse aite, heh). Just......euw. Disguisting. Like 'menjilat ludah sendiri' thingy. Seriously, remain an euw-yucks in my life till this very second. (Sorry.)



















The after-effect.

I have a fear of making mistake. There were some moments of my ashkar life, where we were constantly being commented, judged, and 'argued' over every Persatuan, College, or whatever activities done by us. No matter how perfect things in our eyes, there were always lacking in some other's eyes. Until we reached to a point where, nothing we did has given us excitement anymore. We simply did it, because we had to.


Tell me, who likes to be judged? Yea, maybe for the sake of ashkar, I had to put my personal stance aside. But after more and more trainings I'd gone through, I started to taste the happiness of working on something, without expecting any return. Maybe, my previous life was too much with expecting compliments from others, or easily got pissed when someone criticize me, or lacking in sincerity, I don't know, but seriously, I started to learn that, when I am given a responsibility to work on a job, either it'll be succeeded or not, it's a job. Nothing more. Even if I receive a credit, then, that's that. so, I am now a freaking perfectionist freak, have to admit. But I'll keep it low, as to adjust with my new life, new routine, new me.

It's beautiful. To change to be a better one.

Maybe there was a time that I wished I could turn back time, but now, even if someone comes to me and offer me a million dollar to go back in time, trust me, I will turn it down. I am just cool with my current life(Alhamdulillah).



Ahh....so much things to type, too restricted time.




But ROTU, thank you for being part of my life memory. Cool people, good people, weirdos, 'bajet goo-good', everything, I saw. Since my BAT C has now reaches its expiry date, guess my existence is no longer possible too.




I, Leftenan Muda Nur Syazwani Binti Ghani PSS TUDM, 78009*2, is now, only a memory in every single ROTUs people life.