The place where I belong to.


Where?

I'm miraculously turning 31 this year. I thought I would get over this kinda stuff, but I guess, I am not. Ever.

There is something that even me, myself, do not understand.

WHAT AM I ACTUALLY?

Have I achieved everything at all?

What do I really want?

There was a time, that I was so sure that happiness is already mine.

But right now?

I am not. And, what is worst is, I don't even actually deserve to mention it.

I'm actually a very.......jerk. I don't really do anything in my life that I deserve anything close to happiness.

Blaming my past old life? Until when? Most people have moved on. So, who even care.

Or I really should have been vanished.

Or I am just badly 'wounded' by these people's word.

1) We won't really feel your lost since you don't really spend/do much things with us.
2) You only appear when there's something you need.

 Which is physically, true. Action-wise I mean. I can't blame this people anyway. And this is why I have to question,

WHAT AM I?

Why am I even like that?

There's one thing that I really hate about myself, I am no light-type of person. I remember things, especially the bad one, deeply. Well, this has actually gone before, but maybe, the fact that we are in the midst of this pandemic, that I am so stuck in this place, where I could not optimize the function of myself .

To me, when people express thing in a sarcastic manner, they are just telling the truth, and it's even two times hurtful.

And I can't be anything but mad.




I am mad. But I don't deserve to be mad. I know. So, what is the solution to this, though? I go away? Well there's a way, but, why should I? The realist me, know that, whatever the way is, it's not fine at all. I will never 'run' away from my issue. But to stay here, keeping all the madness within myself is neither good. Because, my act is also hurting other people. The people that can determine my place in the hereafter. The people that I really love. But this madness in me, just make me, mute. But I can't act nice either.



I'm just useless.












I know.










After a long time, I wonder, why am I even exist?

I'm useless.




Too sensitive.








Hate-able.




























Urghh....really.............I have so much dreams, and being a decent human is one of it. But it seems that I can't even......



I'm the worst.






My place?



I don't deserve to be anywhere.











I don't hate anyone. 
I'm ashamed of myself.

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