Sumpahan April

LOL

I thought it's an Indonesian material. Well, the lyric's content doesn't really reflect what I have on my mind now, but, lemme just borrow the song's title.

So, yup, April.

Effective 2014, until this 2018, my every Aprils had been.. I don't really know how to put it into words, but, there are some kind of occurrences that will stick to my memory for a very long time.

Like on 2014, I found my I've-always-prayed-to-have-this-kind-of-job job which I manage to sustain up till this very moment. Something that I never have even the slightest clue, that I can do. I once thought, the freedom-seeker me always will put me into troubles during my adult moments. I praised be to HIM for this part. None of these are achievable if it's not something from HIM.

Then on 2015, I got in touch again with my best-est man. Not much I want to say about this part. But as for now, I don't see anyone that is more capable than him, in the matter of handling me.

On 2016...oh! My best cousin's wedding, which was one of my top bucket-list. Like, there was really a moment where, I really really thought that, I wouldn't be able to be part of the event. Because of the so-called life-turning-point  moment. That was so close, eh. So, good thing.

I can say that, these years were my glorious years. Everything was so in place. I regained my happiness by all these events. So smooth.....it's like, I was successfully revived again. Like..TADAAAAA... hey world, I'm back. Redefined. Better. It's good, because the timing was so good. I found my real motives,. I was glad that I literally did that ' Too young, too dumb, to realize' while I was really young. Because, I always have the idea that, the 'scenery' of elderly, making mistakes for various reason, for example, still possesses bad behaviors that we did back when we in the primary school, like, back-stabbing, gossiping stuff. I really can't accept. But anyway, as what my lecturer recently said, "People have their own preference." So, by now, I just don't care, as long as I don't commit it.
These years too, I really have improved my skill in making friends, where I really think, I was lack in, back then. I literally have a small circles of friends, because, I just don't equipped with the ability to handle mass. As in terms of feelings and other emotional-realted stuff. But talk about professionalism, dude, count me in. *smug
LOL. Kidding. I actually, pretty in love with doing things that needed me to use my intelligence, that I seldomly use. It's something that's I just do since I was a child. Like, the intelligent thing always on hibernate mode. Until it's very necessary, then only it'll show up. LOLOLOL.
I'm okey, that's all. Normal. LOL.






.....



2017. I even posted a specific entry about this April, but only manage to really confirm on the event later on the June, I think, after a thorough investigation was done. LOL. A year has passed. Another LOL.  Not that I possess a small-hearted attitude, but after a successful years of making a comeback to the world, I really didn't expect for that thing to occur. What I had kept away from myself was, my anger, my temper. All those days when the entries frequency updates were like five per day? Just to show how 'high' I was, back then. Really on 'high'. This fingers were on freestyle mode. But one thing that I'm proud about myself, none of the entries have real human names inside it. Except for one entry about the previous job stuff. LOL. So, for the normal entries, if right now, I am going to randomly pick one super ancient entry to read, the end of it, would be me, thinking, "The hell I was talking about." I just forgot. No specific name, situation. Haha. Good Good. We shouldn't keep any bad matters within ourselves. That way, I discovered that, writing things is my way of expressing. I don't really good in expressing my emotions, but if I ever do it, the 'conveyance' process, as far as I feel it myself, is sometimes over-exaggerated.
So, whatever happen on this very year, the April, I think, it's a good training for me to harden my resilience. After all, the world is a cruel place. But I can't deny, up until this very moment, the scar is still there, and I don't know when it will fade. What I hate about this kind of stuff is, things will never be the same anymore. The day I figured things out, is the day, that, I will stop trying to fix. But, for this particular event, I decided to maintain a cool surface. The turmoil inside me, I would release it to another medium. The one on the 2015, remember?  LOL. So again, for my future, it's a good thing, but for the on-going life, I hate it to be happened. But, whatever.

This year....2018...
You see...the reputation that is built by sweat, and tear, and blood, and bla bla.......you know human, when things, for a like a moment, happened, happen to be, that moment, I was just suddenly losing my cool, because of either, my body just responded that way(of course something happened), not intentionally meant for anyone, all I need was a little space, for a little while, but, PuFFFFF. That f***ing reputation is just a dust. What is remembered, was a brief moment of me, being unstable.

I tell you. I cannot care anymore.

Human are selfish. And I cannot care.

Since I found my ultimate purpose, I'll just reflect whatever I am treated like.

Maybe, the worth of apologies is too expensive for some people, that they can't afford to have it. It's none of my matters anymore. This time, what I feel for myself is, the impact is little. As if this heart of mine, is stronger than before. That's the point of me writing this. I am proud soul.

As long as I live, I will still hold to my major things to-do: "Before I die, I want to change somebody's life."

Dislike me, over a petty matter, I just cannot spend any of my precious time to even bother it.

Even the memories are all gone and won't be remembered.

I'm running of some times.

It's a lost for not-me.