Ughh...

.....

I dunno where to start. Things are going on accordingly, that I think, I have reached to a state where I feel....empty.

Empty....but I believe not the kind of empty I felt last last time.

It's a brand new 'empty'.

Emptiness that cannot be settled or to be dealt by, complaining.

Ok, why not if I start with, the fact that this year I am 29.

29.

Twentyyyy NINEEEEEEEEE.

When I was around 22, I read on some random articles about, "What should you have by the age bla bla bla..." and I still do. So, obviously, today, I read, "What is being a 30."

Hmm....

...

Hmmmmmmmmmmm....

Hmmmmmm..

I think, for now, I just read one or two. And, I have to say, I am quite, have achieved most of the listed.

And yet..... even while typing all these down, I can still feel the emptiness.

Let's see.......

You see......

On my facebook wall, I have this so called cover page.

And I think, since as long as I can remember, the reason I am still living in peaceful, is because I live with this mindset. This " BEFORE I DIE, I WANT TO CHANGE SOMEBODY'S LIFE". But not until since early of this year, until now, where I feel like, I am no longer afford to live by this philosophy. I guess I should change it.






Why?


Because, there are many 'somebody's' that I can no longer really give my help.

Maybe, for all these while, I thought, the real problem in the world is, about, finance. But this year, I am learnt that, there are more than that.


Lemme put them in brief manner.

My friend's eldest son was diagnosed with cancer. Leukimia to be specific.
My aunty, who lost her mother, little sister and the husband in an car accident about 2 years ago, just lost her own husband due to heart attack, and now, she's a single mother to two own children, and four children belongs to her late little sister. *Pardon me for my language structure.*
Then, my cousin had an ectopic pragnancy, life threatening, thus, abortion must be done.
And the most recent one, is too hard to even think of. And it's too confidential to write it up here.

To compare, another situation, where a friend of mine, suddenly found a better place to live, so in need of an urgent cash, so, brahhhh, it's just my food. But the above stories? The best I could do, is to send texts contain some warmth sentence, and in silence, I pray for them. But how I wish, I could do something with this very own hands, to change whatever is wrong. But can I make the leukimia disapear? Can I bring back my late uncle and the foetus to life, so everyone is happy again?

NO.




And that is really making me fell frustrated.



Ok, that would be about others. Others who I personally know.




Now, me.


There is something bothering me. This time, it bothers me very hard.

I cannot specifically say what it is really about, but, hmm......

Perhaps, I need to make myself very busy, that whatever the bad feelings I have now, can be overcome, and, eventually, I would even forget it. But, it's not that I never done this approach before, but, it's so not me. By forgeting things, it's really not my thing.



arghhh...




hmm....





Ughhh...