n~5ive

..in my life is COMMITMENT. Anything that requires a commitment is very scary. I just, scared of it. Because as far as I concern, it involves my time, my life, myself. As for now, I'm still only interested in doing stuff freely. And when I meant freely, I mean it. Very very mean it. It doesn't matter regarding whos and whats. Might be car loans, land-property loans, human-human loans, or PTPTN. And even 'that' commitment. Plus I'm not too confident if I can handle or deal with it very well. I'm still not into buying anything that needs me to focus on it for a long time. What signs are they, I wonder. Maybe I'm still living in lie? Maybe I am not yet fully-developed? Maybe I'm still the opposite of mature? Maybe I'm still...... Too much maybes. Commitment. I get bored very easily and I realized this since a long time ago. My likes on something are usually fade away within a short time. What if, I bought a car, and I chose the 9 years installmen...

Maybe it's just my wild guess, as always, but I started to realize that most people have been acting so technical-ly in front of me. There's a lacking in terms of emotions or natural-ty. I mean, it's full with factual, mechanical, and trust me, even mathematical is included. Is it normal? I don't really mean the people that I am not seeing in my everyday life, though, so, you, yeah you, I'm not typing 'bout ya. But since I don't feel like to use my mouth to let this thought get out from my mind, so, just bear with this writing, deal? Plus, I find that I will forget all these unnecessary-tangled-thought whenever I finished typing, because of I don't know. But one thing for sure, whenever I re-read the previous posts, I will be like, "Err......did I type all these?" with the most innocent expression on my face, especially the eyes and eyebrows part, because they'll go like pretending to almost popped-out from its 'shelter' a...

Ok.. It's been exactly four years ago since that commission day.... The day I decided not to listen to anyoneelse command anymore.. The day I decided to start being individual... The day I decided to take revenge on every single individual that I was poker-faced with for the whole three years before, The day I decided to.......... and I think, I just had the consequences right on my face after three years of 'living-up' all those decisions.. I became rude, I became arrogant, I became so close to b*tch, I became unlikeable, I was hated, ........nothing good in return to summarize all. I just.... Don't want to do those anymore, I hope. Cos my heart constantly changing its 'stance', though. So, what did I do? One morning on my mum and I way to do our routine of going to Masjid for ceramah and all, I suddenly poured out every of my truth feelings,  and thoughts about my skuad, what had some of them done to her, and all the stuff h...

Well well...let see... Smooth life is no fun, but I don't think the rough one is fine to tell too. So what is my point then? I don't know. But somewhere else of me feels like I do acknowledge something. And why not if we just leave the question unanswered, perhaps until forever. Like of one verse of HIS words in the Holy Qur'an, "Verily, His Command, when He intends a thing, is only that He says to it, “Be!” – and it is!" (Qur'an Yaaseen: 82) And a few days ago, a conversation between my mum and I sounded a little like these, "Noni pon macam tak caye dengan sekarang ni." "Tu lah kalau Allah dah destined kan benda tu kat awak, macam mane sekalipun die jadi." So basically, I am just fine, which is so Alhamdulillah. You see my dear loyal readers, during my previous writing, especially the ridiculously-emotional and looked-way-too-personal one, I did know that whatever happen during that sadness and rage moments, they will end. ...