n~5ive

I've been focusing so much on not-me. It's been a year since I decided to do a lil' difference in life, where of course, happen with the help of HIS. If I ask myself, am I happy, I think, for now, I have no answer. Rather, sometimes I just start to wonder, when will these end? Like I said, I decided to change. Meaning, it's not the real plan. Now that I took a step, either backward or forward, it still a step. Now that I did it, I just can't stop. Sometimes, when loneliness creeping inside, I can hear an unhearable growl, wanting me to disappear, away from civilisation. I just want to be alone. I didn't realize this feeling until not so long time ago. I don't want to cling to anyone. I don't like anyone to enter my space. No one is ever my business, and vice versa. But I can't be like one so much, so that's why, the circles that I join, are the circles that are confirmed about themselves. Not craps. *sigh I'm not complaining, but...

"I am still 25". Convincing myself that sentence everyday, that I am still a 25 years old person is pretty exhausting, but the fact that I have wasted all the moments when I was 22, 23 and 24. That's why, I have no choice, plus, I only want to make sure that I am happy. How desperate I am? I admit, I'm desperate, Happiness was almost extinct from my life dictionary. Almost. But I revived it, little by little. I know, I still have a long way to go. Mine is different, so do others. But paranoid comes whenever my mind is not occupied with productive matters. And I'm getting sick of it, that almost I developed chronophobia. But my body needs rest, I can't ignore. I'm afraid. I'm missing some people. I want to go to a place called, home.